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DON'T TWEET AT RECRUITS: A GUIDE FOR CRAZY PEOPLE

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WE UNDERSTAND YOUR ILLNESS AND WANT TO HELP

Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

Let's talk, Person Who Tweets At Recruits. We both know you're not going to listen to any appeals to your better nature or warnings that you may be venturing into NCAA-violative territory. That's not how you're wired. It's not your fault all those whiny babies telling you to cool it just don't care enough to help this team win every championship from now until the Sun collapses in on itself. They're haters and wannabes. Just like the Sun. #SPF70BITCH

But the fact remains - you still shouldn't tweet at recruits. Why? Because you're capable of so much MORE.

Start by writing a letter. Note that I didn't say typing a letter. Really write it, and make your penmanship count. It should be sweeping and strong, with just a hint of urgency. You want a recruit to get this letter and say, "wow, he really crosses the T's in 'THREAT OF FUTURE ATTACKS' with an authority that I can respect and fear in equal measure!" Be sure to include a lock of hair for verification. Your enemies will send false letters purporting to come from you.

Next, start an advertising blitz, but really keep it focused. A spot during a popular CBS program may be seen by millions of people - will it get to your intended audience, though? Stay small. Church bulletins, targeted pop-up ads based on the recruit's IP address, surreptitiously replaced fortune cookie messages, an overturned truck on the road the recruit drives frequently with your rival's logo painted on the side of it - they're all opportunities to get your message in front of the only target that matters.

Follow that by infiltrating the recruit's family. Claim to be a long-lost cousin believed to have died on a climbing trip in the Andes. If no such cousin exists, marry in! There's almost certainly a lonely aunt who's susceptible to your charms, especially if you lie about being the number two refrigerated train car manufacturer in the Ozarks.

Have you seen Innerspace? Let me tell you, that science is sound. What better way to get in a recruit's ear than to literally get in his ear? Remember, it's not mind control if you're just helping a young man find the best future for himself. (I mean, yeah, it is mind control, but in the Good Jedi way.)