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WE DON'T REMEMBER HOW THIS WORKS

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FLORIDA IS GETTING (checks notes) RE-CRU-ITS?

Rob Foldy/Getty Images

A recruit newly committed to the University of Florida shows up in Gainesville.

Shoo! Get out of here! I'll get the hose!

[calls HP customer service]
No, I can't find the serial number. I just need you to send me the driver disk? I think?

I...I gave him ibuprofen four hours ago. Can I give him chocolate milk? Is he like a dog, and can't have chocolate? Is chocolate protein powder technically chocolate? Is this running back a dog?

[looks at IKEA instructions for LEFTGUÅRD] Wait, am I supposed to hammer the dowels in? And why do I have two extra cam locks? Is it supposed to lean that way? Why didn't I listen when it said I should assemble this with a friend?

Just shut up and Google "is a recruit dryclean only."

Does he have a trial period? Can he be returned? Does he return me? Are there receipts involved? If he has water damage, does insurance cover it? What if he has mold? Or is a Florida Panther? WHAT IF HE'S A FLORIDA PANTHER WITH MOLD? There's not a law written that explains what to do with that.

What if this isn't even for us? Things get misdelivered all the time. Should we just leave him out on the stoop with a note that says "WRONG ADDRESS - SORRY" on his forehead? Do we need to put stamps on him too? And what if he's left at the delivery center all night? I should strap snacks to him. Give him batteries, too. In case it's a cyborg. That's what they eat.

Does it go to school? I mean, where does it go in the daytime? It's gonna need so many things. It can't just have a backpack, it's got to have, like, a cool backpack. Like one shaped like R2D2 or something. He'll need those light-up shoes, too, because those are still awesome. WAIT. Maybe it's nocturnal. Is a recruit like a kinkajou? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ONE OF THOSE. Maybe I could just drop it off at school and say he had a gland condition and that if you said he was maybe actually a kinkajou it'd make him cry.

That's what I'll do.Hold on, I'm going to try to make contact with it. Everyone stand back.
[clicks laser pointer on and off repeatedly]
[plays "Karma Chameleon" on Casio]

Hmm. Let's try it with "Eternal Flame."

Wait. What if this is a trap? What if this is just a humanoid shell full of tiny Florida State students shrunken down, waiting to burst out of it in the middle of the night like a wasp's nest full of 2.8 GPAs?

I'm going to give it the Jon Voight test to make sure it's not a replicant.

Is he going to need an allowance? I-[looks off-camera]
OH HE WON'T NEED MONEY. JUST THESE SNACKS AND CLASSES WILL BE ENOUGH. THAT'S ALL HE'S GOING TO NEED. [/cranes neck at man sitting at nearby Waffle House and smiling] GO GATORS