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THE MC TURNS OHIO STATE INTO A LOST SHIP

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THERE IS NO LIMIT TO THE DEVIOUSNESS OF SEC CHEATIN'

The SEC remains legendary for its cheating, so pardon the paranoia. Maybe getting Urban Meyer on a boat wasn't a conspiracy. Maybe putting him on that boat, and then turning on a powerful weather machine that generates enough fog to trap Urban Meyer on that boat wasn't part of the plan. On a boat. Out of cellphone range, off all social media. LOST.

Port Tampa Bay was closed to shipping traffic early this morning due to the fog. Among the ships stuck at sea is an arriving Royal Carribean cruise with Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer and the Buckeyes team, according to reports.

Just imagining Urban Meyer trying to go ten minutes without looking at his phone is funny enough, but imagine him doing it on a boat full of people who only want to talk to him. Urban Meyer is easily in five funniest football coaches to imagine trapped on a boat, a list which we most definitely did not just make up on the spot.

5. Gary Patterson. Only because he'd reconfigure the ship into a seastead, write its constitution, and get it bumped up from tiny tax shelter status to member of the UN Security Council in a matter of seven years.

4. Houston Nutt. We've seen this before, and it ends with you getting a whole body of water named after you.

3. Gary Pinkel. After a few days he'd probably just give up and become a steady, eight or nine win a year cruise captain that everyone respected for never talking a lot. (Bonus: already looks like a sea captain.)

2. Bobby Petrino. Only because we want to see if someone can mutiny against themselves before the crew does. Might have a problem with avoiding obstacles, resulting in spectacular wreckage.

1. Bret Bielema. PARTY BARGE AHOY. Why's Bret Bielema flying a plague flag above his ship, even though everyone is healthy and hitting the ice floe shot slide like there's no tomorrow? To let people know this party is SICK.