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HATIN' ASS SPURRIER SWEEPS THE OSCARS

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THE OBC PUTS DOWN HIS FIVE IRON FOR TEN SECONDS TO FLEX ON YOU HOLLYWOOD FOOLS

Don't worry about Matthew McConaughey not picking up any awards for Interstellar. Any Longhorn fan's used to a pointless night or two.

I'd say Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawking could play quarterback at Florida but he's capable of a decent rollout.

Julianne Moore's pretty expensive. You want a redhead who's happy to get exposed for two hours for less and break down on command, call Jason Garrett when you're ready.

Sound of Music's not so touching once you've seen Lane Kiffin sing "Sixteen Going On Seventeen" at a recruiting camp.

Oregon knows what it's like to win for the best clothes every year and lose the big one, Wes Anderson.

You didn't win, Steve Carell, but at least you're ready to play George O'Leary now.

Poor Bobby Petrino. Must be so confused that Whiplash is a good thing in 2015.

I know Kirk Ferentz was disappointed in Boyhood losing, since he understands what it's like to spend over a decade building something that puts everyone to sleep.

Jeremy Foley cried during Feast because he gets emotional watching anyone else take all the cupcakes, especially if it's a dawg.

When do you think Linklater said "fuck it" and cut the Michigan championship scene from the script?

The Best Foreign Language Film without Lou Holtz on "College Football Final" is no category at all, frankly.

Big win for Florida State last night. The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance is the school motto, after all.

That locked box gag was so weak Baylor's scheduled it in 2018.

Not all bad for that Neil Patrick Harris guy, though. Bomb like that in Los Angeles and they'll still hire you as Alabama's offensive coordinator.

I liked it better when it was Big East Sniper and Frank Beamer was in it.

American Sniper's all about hitting your target accurately so I assume every SEC offensive coordinator hated it.

Always thought Rex Grossman would go to Hollywood, but Ed Norton took the job where you rewrite plays and like the smell of your own farts.

Charlie Weis was fantastic in Big Hero 6. (He turned down The Lego Movie because it's about successful building.)

The "In Memoriam" portion's always tough. I think Dabo's startin' to suspect that Ruby Dee didn't go live on a farm.

Not sure how "UNC Plays Defense Well" didn't get a nomination for Short Film.

Not a single nomination for Godzilla, but that's what happens when you release that and Cardale Jones in the same year.

Y'all think these seat fillers are willing to wear a Jacory Harris jersey?

Stedman shows up on time, sits quietly, and will never leave. He's Hollywood Kirby Smart.

I didn't watch Into the Woods because that's also the name of Ed Orgeron's sex tape.

J.K. Simmons told everyone to call their daddy and yet Mark Richt hasn't even texted me yet.

IF I WANT A TROPHY OF A NUDE MAN I'LL GO TO SWITZER'S CHRISTMAS PARTY