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A 1986 COCA-COLA COMMERCIAL AT AUBURN, EXAMINED

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HOORAY FOR OFFSEASON FRIDAYS!

Most beverage commercials don't have the actors consume the advertised product during filming, for obvious reasons - if you need a shot of someone chugging strawberry milk, you don't want to have to nail it in the first three takes just to avoid strawberry milk puke. So the contents of the Coca-Cola containers in this commercial...

...are likely something else. These are our most reasoned guesses as to what.

Four parts Coke, two parts Malibu, one part fen-phen, ice.

Top cooler: two parts coke, two parts George Dickel, one part liquid cocaine.

Bottom cooler: full of stolen turkey parts.

Emptied can contains $1500 and is bound for Bo Jackson's momma's house; also has one vial of MDMA taped to the bottom (for the eagle).

The captured soul of El Debarge.

Duck sauce stolen from a mall food court Chinese restaurant. (The gentleman is "Ol' Duck Sauce Tommy," who died in the Great Fire of 1994, as it turns out duck sauce is MAD flammable.)

That's a grenade disguised as a Coke, because the forever war between cows and man at Auburn never, ever ends. The cow knows what you're plotting, you sonofabitch.

Eight parts erotic daydreams about Robert Redford taking you away from all this to live in Colorado where you never have to deal with your goddamn mother and her goddamn judging tone ever again, two parts Coke, one part brandy.

Pure deer urine for maximum hunting power from his airship, the DYETANIC, seen here flying dangerously low to the ground. (Ok, there's a LITTLE bit of Jackie Sherrill urine, but the factory apologized profusely and promised they'd improve security.)

250 anti-tank missiles bound for Iran.