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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL: SEC FRATERNITY MEMBERS DOING THINGS

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REAL SIMULATION OF MAN VERSUS BULL NOT ACCURATE

Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

Mid-February in the South and its brutal fifty degree temperatures drive the spry young frat boys of the SEC to cabin fever. Cabin fever induces madness; madness begets behavior forcing the observer to break out the dumbass bingo card.

For example: did two fraternities on the campus of the University of Georgia get into a fight? Yes, probably while peeing on nearby trees to mark territory, and rubbing freshly sprouted antlers on nearby cars. Did this fight result in gunfire? Of course it did. Did this gunfire allegedly take place from the balcony of a giant, ramshackle house painted to look like an antebellum mansion that still resembled a Branch Davidian compound home? You bet it did.

Was this person the president of the fraternity? OF COURSE HE WAS. Golf-deprivation madness is real, and if it doesn't stop raining in Athens there will be real casualties. This man will be the governor of Georgia in 2032, and will be elected on a platform of pushing for the legal carry and implantation of guns in utero. "If you're serious about protecting the unborn, you'll let them exercise their god-given rights from the moment of conception. Also, we're gonna invade Tennessee for their water." [RIOTOUS APPLAUSE]

The other example shows how far-flung that wintry madness can fly. That guy who was gored in Pamplona Ciudad Rodrigo this year? Oh man I bet he's an SEC frat boy. You bet your ass he is. He's from Ole Miss, isn't he? Check. But he's not even one of those dudes from Mississippi who's just trying to get a degree, but one of those guys from like Franklin, TN or Marietta who goes to Ole Miss to try on the casual racism brand they think they're gonna get there? Where they can listen to David Allen Coe unironically, and get cheap coke from Memphis on road trips? Yup, this gentleman is from Marietta, Georgia.

Did the bull get him in the ass? Well, here's the AP.

Miller underwent a three-hour operation to repair damage to thighs, sphincter and back muscles, Crespo said.

There's photos, too, if you want to see the face of someone realizing in real-time what a terrible idea it is to dare a bull to do something. This has been your latest in SEC Frat Boy Farm Reports. Good morning, and expect obvious, terrible updates as Mardi Gras comes to a close today in New Orleans.

[/cues up "Rednecks" by Randy Newman]