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BOBBY PETRINO TAKES A SNOW DAY

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I DIDN'T MOVE TO KENTUCKY TO HAVE TO SHOVEL SNOW AND NEITHER DID PETRINO

Courier-Journal

[alarm clock buzzes]

[Bobby Petrino stirs from bed, flips on TV]

"... up to a foot of snow across portions of Kentucky...  largest snowfall in years...  major delays on highways... Jefferson County Public Schools remain closed..."

PETRINO: C'mon, dangit, don't let me down...

"...  the University of Louisville is closed today..."

PETRINO: Hot damn! [grabs phone] Todd!  Get your snow pants, man, we're gonna have some fun today!

TODD GRANTHAM: I can't, I'm dying.

PETRINO: Wait, are we doin' a Ferris Bueller thing?

GRANTHAM: Probably? I think they just sorta write these things off the cuff.

PETRINO: Alright well I'm not allowed to ride around with girls anymore, so it's gonna have to be a loose thing.

GRANTHAM: *sigh* I'll steal Jurich's car.

----

[SCENE: a fancy downtown restaurant]

PETRINO: Yeah, the reservation's under Papa John Schnatter.  That's me, the Pizza King of Kentucky!

MAITRE'D, wearily: Mr. Petrino, I know who you are.

PETRINO: Nah, I'm the pizza guy, listen: "two million pizzas!" [grins] See?

MAITRE'D: Bobby, we had you thrown out last week after you pinched a server's rear end with a lobster claw.

PETRINO: WELL WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS RESTAURANT WEEK SUPPOSED TO BE FOR

----

[SCENE: the Speed Art Museum, which is closed for renovation and they have broken into]

GRANTHAM: [staring deeply, lost in thought in a painting]

PETRINO: Todd?

GRANTHAM: [is thinking about Nick Chubb] [begins weeping]

PETRINO: I hear you, man. Thought there were gonna be more naked lady paintings in here, too. Disappointing.

----

[SCENE: the gift shop at the Louisville Slugger Museum]

CLERK: I'm sorry, sir, that's too many characters to etch on the bat, and we're not allowed to use profanity.

PETRINO: alright, just shorten it to "up yours with this, Jimbo"

----

PETRINO: hey batterbatterbatterbatter swiiiiiiing batter

GRANTHAM: kennedykennedykennedykennedy

CHURCHILL DOWNS STABLEWORKER: HEY, stop heckling the horses, c'mon, get out of here!

PETRINO: Aw, hell, I've had my ass whooped by bigger'n you, son.

----

[scene: trudging through the snow on Main Street, which has not been plowed because why would you plow Main Street, it doesn't even sound like an important street, "Main Street", nevermind I'm off topic]

PETRINO: Pretty good day, huh?

GRANTHAM: I guess, we didn't really do anything.

PETRINO, hurt: are you kidding me?

GRANTHAM: Nothin' good.

[Petrino disappears] [a few moments pass]

[Petrino, standing on top of a local news van he's commandeered]

PETRINO: Ladies and gentlemen, you're such a wonderful town, I'd like to sing a little tune for you.  It's one of my personal favorites, and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today - Todd Grantham, this one's for you.  And also my many haters.

The snow glows white on the Yum! Center tonight

Not a snowplow to be seen

A downtown of isolation

And here's a song from Coach Petrin'

The wind is howling like my many critics

Couldn't keep them off, heaven knows I tried!

Don't let them in / don't let them see

Be the good guy they want you to be

Blow some smoke, don't revoke, don't let them know - well, now they know!

LET HIM GO, I LET HIM GOOOOOO

Couldn't hold his scholly anymore

Let him go, let him goooooo

Turned him down and signed some more

I don't care what they're going to say

Let my haters all rage on

He was just gonna greyshirt anyway

GRANTHAM: Getting that song stuck in people's heads isn't going to make them like you any more, Bobby.

PETRINO: Who the hell said I wanted them to like me?  C'mon, let's go break into the whiskey center.