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George Washington. Famous for being first, but hasn't done anything in centuries. RUTGERS

John Adams. Sort of forgotten and small and lost to Thomas Jefferson so...WAKE FOREST

Thomas Jefferson. Bought Louisiana, had zero scruples, drank hard, and invented the disgraceful sex scandal. LSU

James Madison. Tiny, but punched well above his weight, and lasted way longer in the game than he had any right to via craftiness. BOISE STATE

James Monroe. Known for having financial difficulties. MARYLAND

John Quincy Adams. Thorny bastard who swam naked in rivers for fun and had big-ass sideburns. WEST VIRGINIA

Andrew Jackson. Completely insane. Noted for exaggerated sense of hurt feelings versus imagined, fantastical notion of honor. Played weak schedule versus outnumbered opponents. Didn't graduate high school. Wildly successful and generally reviled. FLORIDA STATE

Martin Van Buren. Tiny alcoholic without much of a record from New York. BUFFALO

William Henry Harrison. Was on top for like, thirty days once. BYU

John Tyler. Would have rather been farming, honestly. IOWA STATE

James K. Polk. Blew up the tiny United States from the WAC-sized niblet it was prior to his Presidency to a full Power Five-sized behemoth. TCU

Zachary Taylor. Died mysteriously. PITT

Millard Fillmore. "What's he doing on this list? Was he ever President? That wasn't just a thing they made up just to name schools on television shows after him? Really? He was President, of our country? Why is Dan Hawkins running away from his body with a dagger?" COLORADO

Franklin Pierce. A "popular and outgoing" man with dismal luck, a ferocious drinking problem, and a scanty resume. WAZZU

James Buchanan. Poorly organized, ineffectual, and harbinger of disaster. The dreary Forever Alone of American Presidents. PURDUE

Abraham Lincoln. Perhaps our greatest President, savior of the Union, and dead. NOTRE DAME

Andrew Johnson. Known primarily for "secluding himself in order to avoid public embarrassment." ILLINOIS

Ulysses S. Grant. Spectacularly corrupt, wildly popular, prone to drinking, and known mostly for being good at something else entirely. KENTUCKY

Rutherford B. Hayes. Got where they are via shady backroom politics; big fan of gold standard to back all that green. BAYLOR

James A. Garfield. Spoke a lot of languages, was super smart, and didn't do much because he died before he could ever get to the endzone. Would have been the first person to tell you how smart he was, too. NORTHWESTERN

Chester A. Arthur. Didn't really try to do anything other than pay the bills. The well-considered punt of Presidents. IOWA

Grover Cleveland. Big, unremarkably remarkable, forceful, and suffered horrendous defeat before reclaiming the title out of sheer will and tenacity. Once wrote: "sensible and responsible women do not want to vote" in an article in Ladies Home Journal, which is really the most Michigan Mansplaining thing to do ever.  MICHIGAN

Benjamin Harrison. From Ohio and didn't really do much. OHIO

Grover Cleveland. Big, unremarkably remarkable, forceful, and suffered horrendous defeat before reclaiming the title out of sheer will and tenacity. Once wrote: "sensible and responsible women do not want to vote" in Ladies Home Journal, which specifically is the most 1891 Jonathan Chait thing ever. MICHIGAN

William McKinley. Was goaded into war by the press, wound up being shot by an unemployed anarchist. THE NCAA.

Theodore Roosevelt. A raging, half-mad, football-obsessed egomaniac obsessed with war, shooting people, being shot, killing animals, punching people, being punched,  and generally proving himself to be the baddest man in the room despite being born into every advantage on the planet in his chosen sphere. Counted more territories as his than he actually had. ALABAMA

William Howard Taft. Any ambition and talent the man had was overshadowed by his very public battles with self-defeating behaviors. OKLAHOMA.

Woodrow Wilson. Made up nonsensical garbage conferences to serve his own needs. TEXAS

Warren G. Harding. Beloved criminal with absolutely no talents besides being handsome, charming, and prone to corruption and infidelity. SMU

Calvin Coolidge. Kept a low profile and said as little as possible, which allowed him to dodge responsibility for any problems that began during his tenure but did not manifest until after his departure. NEBRASKA..

Herbert Hoover. Should probably just have stuck to his first love of mining. UTEP

Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Won multiple titles; waged war in three directions; not afraid to try to pack a few courts to get what he wanted. MIAMI

Harry Truman. Cussed a lot, won close contests, had the occasional disaster. Known mostly for a famous tie with North Korea. MICHIGAN STATE

Dwight D. Eisenhower. Known for producing ineffectual subordinates and would rather be at Augusta National. GEORGIA

John F. Kennedy. Spent a good portion of the day with his pants down or looking for amphetamines. Bought titles for the whole family? AUBURN

Lyndon B. Johnson. Known for continuing a long war he could not possibly win. Like a certain mascot, was known for pooping in front of people. TEXAS A&M

Richard Nixon. A vacated title, you say? USC

Gerald Ford. Fell down a lot and was a good sport about it. Exhibited questionable judgment by showing exceeding generosity to a publicly disliked and disgraced leader. KANSAS

Jimmy Carter. No one's still really sure how this happened. GEORGIA TECH

Ronald Reagan. If you hate him, talking about him to one of his lifelong fans is the greatest waste of time, and the reverse is equally true. The simplest course is to just pretend you're not familiar with his work. PENN STATE

George H.W. Bush. Turned a relatively minor political family into a dynasty only to watch some idiot who'd been stashed in Texas turn it into a disgraceful joke. FLORIDA

Bill Clinton. Massive failures, massive comebacks, more massive failures, and a propensity for getting caught with their pants down in so many ways. Prone to bloat. ARKANSAS


Barack Obama. Blows up people with illegal robots. Cardale Jones is basically an illegal robot, right? OHIO STATE