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THE MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL DEFINES SUCCESS

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THIS CROCODILE DIDN'T DIE. HE LEVELED UP.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

He did it. Most of us talk about maxing out our potential in such vague, aimless, and hopelessly ambitious ways, but this creature--this creature did it.

FatCrocGod

This crocodile lived longer than you probably will, making it to an estimated one hundred years old living in the wild. They did something else you probably won't do, living a life as a demigod fed by passing locals who believed throwing a chicken down his throat would lead them to good fortune. This crocodile had three settings: eat, sleep, and survive, and it did all of them so well that it did something which is only a failure in mankind's realm: it became gloriously, smugly obese. It even outlasted others in the art of gluttony: three other crocodiles who couldn't hack his boss lifestyle in the same pond died from croco-gout, or whatever ridiculously ballin'-ass crocodiles on the demigod route die of in the half-wild.

It even died a celebrity's death: found bloated and unresponsive in a pool, basically. This Crocodile is the most successful animal we know. It did not die from undereating, but instead auto-terminated after determining that this planet, even at its most luxe, still could not meet the limits of his voracious demands for luxury. Live at half its level, and consider yourself a rampaging success.