clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:



If Rutgers is thinking about hiring a recruiting coordinator whose only real contribution to the program has been money and financial consulting, it's time to take the next step in college football evolution with them. Your football program has hired a MAN WITH CASH to recruit players, and it's long past time for it.

What are MAN WITH CASH's talents? He has money, and will give it to recruits. In exchange for money and the services it can purchase for the recruit, the recruit will work as a football player for the university's semi-professional football team.

What will MAN WITH CASH do when he is out of cash? Easy. He will go get more, probably from lucrative TV contracts, or perhaps from the rich-ass people who support the football program because they are bored, and like to own things and push them around the playpen they call life.

What, besides money, will MAN WITH CASH bring to the program? Nothing. He will bring nothing else to the program but money. He will easily be the most popular and beloved person associated with the entire program so long as he continues to dispense money.

What if other people also find a MAN WITH CASH? Other programs will, and then they will have to create a new position called MAN WITH MORE CASH. This will escalate until a market is created. Subsequent interactions will likely follow that market.

This sounds like how everything else in the world works, for the most part, right? Yes. This is how we've agreed to do things in most of the world. You do work, and you mostly get paid for it at discriminatory rates depending on who you are, and whether people hate you because of your gender or race. It's bad. It's a terrible system and like most terrible things it is wildly popular.

Isn't this what we have in college football already buddy? Alabama gets most of the recruits in college football and has an economy the size of Iran's. You go look at the number of houses in Alabama without doors or electricity and tell us whether that's a realistic market economy where big money at work wins out in the end.

How do I apply for the MAN WITH CASH position? Show up to the football program with money. They'll do the rest. And get on it: Stanford and Vanderbilt needs to start flexing for real.