During the heat of the regular season and bowl/playoff calendar, it can be hard to take a measured, rational assessment of your team, your fandom, and the game at large. The barren, college-basketball-infested wasteland of the offseason offers us a chance to step back, take a deep breath, and answer the questions that really matter. With this in mind, I've developed the EDSBS Aptitude Test, an objective way of measuring you, the reader.
Get out a #2 pencil, put your headphones away, and let's get cracking.
1) Of the three coaches listed, you must pick one to coach your favorite team for a full season, one to babysit your kids for a weekend, and one to perform a routine outpatient surgery on you.
ASSIGN: Brady Hoke, Houston Nutt, Terry Bowden
2) Of the three coaches listed, you must pick one to coach your team in a seemingly-easy game wedged between two tough games on the schedule, one to give power of attorney to, and one to cook a romantic Valentine's Day dinner that you must serve to your significant other, take full credit for, and eat in its entirety.
ASSIGN: Les Miles, Dana Holgorsen, Jim Mora
3) Of the three schools listed, you must choose one each in which you will: go on a dinner date with a proud and vocal graduate of their most prominent program; trust the team to engineer a game-winning touchdown drive with 1:45 on the clock and $1000 of your own money riding on the outcome; let an average sophomore from their student body select your wardrobe for a month.
ASSIGN: Virginia, Northwestern, Georgia Tech
4) Okay, let's quit beating around the inspiration bush. Fuck, Marry, Kill:
ASSIGN: WKU's Big Red, Nebraska's Lil' Red, Syracuse's Obie Orange
5) Choose one player each to: sack you; sack a person of your choosing (feel free to elaborate), enter a ballroom dance competition with.
ASSIGN: Joey Bosa, Scooby Wright, Shawn Oakman
6) Choose one program each wherein you must; root for them sincerely and with full attention for a whole season; live in their home stadium for a month; fight a real-life animal version of their mascot.
ASSIGN: Buffalo, Eastern Michigan, UAB*
*yes, I am aware. Answer the question.
7) Of the coaches listed, choose one each to: Drive cross-country with in a small car with no radio; watch star in the titular role of a community-theater production of Evita; read your Twitter timeline to your mother with you present.
ASSIGN: Frank Beamer, Al Golden, Art Briles
8) Of the three plays listed, choose one each to: beat your archival with; ban from the game permanently; personally attempt to execute successfully with all of your exes in attendance.
ASSIGN: Wheel route; fake field goal; tackle-eligible pass play/fat guy touchdown.
This concludes your assessment. Based on your answers below, I will provide carefully-tailored, scientifically thorough career advice**.
**(It's just "stop being a lawyer" for all of you.)