OFFICER KODIAK HELPS YOU DEAL WITH KIDS

Our first advice column from corrupt Alaskan cop-who-is-also-a-bear Officer Kodiak includes questions about having children, teaching children, and killing rabbits. If you'd like Officer Kodiak's advice on any topic, send your question to officerkodiak@gmail.com

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Officer Kodiak, we have two children and I am trying to convince my wife to have another. I am an Ohio State alumnus, so I presume that my children will be born with a sense of college football entitlement befitting their status as landed gentry. However, my wife is an Iowa State alumnus. Is it right to claim that having more children would create more Iowa State fans in the world, knowing this is a blatant deception?

I knew a guy like you. Guy who thought he could lay out a path for his children by sending them to the right schools, exposing them to the right culture. Really believed that kids were fully malleable, if you spent enough time and effort on the endeavor. He'd tell his buddies that his son was going to grow up to be the kind of scientist you learned about in school.

That son was me, and the only science I do is shaking down meth labs for a cut. So what I'm saying is the decision to have a kid - your first, your second, your ninth - can't be based on any naive assumptions. You might end up raising another Buckeye fan, sure. But you might get a Cyclone. Or a rebellious kid who cheers for Miami. And there's not a damn thing you can do to guarantee the outcome.

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Officer Kodiak,

I'm a middle school teacher with a few unruly and disruptive students. What would you recommend to help gain control of these few students and take my classroom to the next level?

Respect's a funny thing. People say you have to get it to receive it, but I've found that's only the case when you're talking about people with roughly equal power. Through that balance off and it's no longer a 1:1 ratio of respect given to received.

Now, you're the one with greater power in this scenario, but there are limits. You can't just be like Big Carl down in Seward; that psychopath solves all his disputes with a welding torch. But, for all his faults, Big Carl understands how the people he works with think. They're not afraid of getting fired or chewed out. They only fear the torch.

Don't think about this like an adult. Adults are motivated by things like social norms and being well-regarded. You've got to get into the head of a rowdy middle schooler and figure out what his or her welding torch is. Then you open the valve up on that sucker.

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So I'm driving down the road early in the morning and all of a sudden this cute little rabbit jumps in front of my car. I'm doing ~45, but it's still kinda dark and the roads are crappy. This rabbit does the whole stop and stare thing so I end up running it over. My wife is all upset because I killed a precious adorable animal, but I say he's too dumb to be alive anyways, let's just remove him/her from the gene pool. So the question is, what's the best seasoning for rabbit?

If you're asking about the ethics of killing something weaker than you in the name of Darwinism, well, buddy, you sure as shit better commit to that code. Today, you're the badass in the SUV bearing down on Peter Cottontail. Tomorrow? You might be the one with long ears and a fluffy tail beggin' some Russian bruiser with a sawed-off to just let you live.

If you're really asking for cooking tips, a little sage and some good quality olive oil won't do you wrong.

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Dear Officer Kodiak,

Our over-educated babysitter skipped town leaving us with no one to watch our 2 year old for Valentine's Day. Do we dare take the kid out with us on a nice romantic dinner?

Also, not to be rude, but if you're a Kodiak, aren't you supposed to be from Kodiak Island?

The answer to both of these questions is the same: you damn well better not.