As you may have heard, ESPN announced last week that, after 25 years helming College GameDay, Chris Fowler would be stepping aside to focus on announcing prime-time games, with Rece Davis slated to fill his morning seat. That's not the only change in store, however; with Lee Corso advancing in years, they've quietly interviewed other on-air talent.
Today, they meet with Kyle, from your office.
PRODUCER: Looking at your resume, I see a solid middle-management profile, you're proficient in Microsoft Office, that's always nice, but I'm not entirely clear what you would bring to College Gameday. Can you elaborate on your skills?
KYLE: [bad accent] If you're looking for money, there is none. What I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like-
PRODUCER: Oh, you're that guy.
KYLE: I'm the guy behind the guy behind the guy.
PRODUCER: [wearily] We've got to stop letting Simmons review resumes. You know what? You're here, let's just get on with a screen test.
KYLE: WELL, GET ON WITH IT, MUTHA- [mouths gunshot noises for 20 seconds] AHHH I'M STRINGER BELL AND I'M DEAD. Haha, do you watch The Wire?
PRODUCER: That show ended seven years ago, Kyle.
KYLE: DUDE, SPOILERS.
PRODUCER: Let's have you and Rece run through some recruiting news.
RECE DAVIS: Hi, Kyle, it's a pleasure to meet you.
KYLE: REESE'S PIECES. Haha, E.T. You guys seen it?
RECE: [undeterred] So, the 2015 recruiting classes are mostly set, and in addition to recent playoff powers like Alabama, Florida State and Ohio State, a very strong class was put together by Tennessee. Do you think this mean Butch Jones is going to have the Vols back in SEC title contention soon?
RECE: Pardon me?
KYLE: The dog, the dog's name is Smokey. He wears a little coat. *singing* Faaaat guy in a little coooooat; fat guuuuy in a little coat.
PRODUCER: Kyle, we need you to dial it in a bit.
KYLE, suddenly wearing a 1960s costume: Are you saying you want me to-
PRODUCER: NO, I am not -
KYLE: OH, BEHAVE!
PRODUCER: This still isn't worse than Bayless's interview. He yelled at my necktie for an hour.
RECE: Moving on, it was a big surprise last week when four-star wideout Cordell Broadus committed to UCLA, despite the longtime USC fandom of his father, Calvin, better known as rapp-
KYLE: SNOOP. SNOOP A LOOP. C'MON WE'RE GOING STREAKING. BRING YOUR HAT.
PRODUCER: Kyle, for god's sake.
KYLE: It's from Old School.
PRODUCER: We know.
KYLE: Have you seen it?
PRODUCER: Everyone has.
KYLE: YOU'RE MY BOY, BLUE
RECE: [unfazed] The Western Michigan program was rocked recently by allegations made regarding the personal life of head coach P.J. Fleck, and-
KYLE, in Borat voice: MY WIIIIIIIIIIFE
PRODUCER: Actually, that's pretty much all we need on that topic.
RECE: Moving to the Big Ten, James Franklin's hoping for an immediate contribution from homegrown running back talent Andre Robinson, who-
KYLE, in perfect Wallace Shawn imitation: I was beginning to realize that the only way to make this evening bearable would be to ask Andre a few questions. Asking questions always relaxes me. In fact, I sometimes think that my secret profession is that I'm a private investigator, a detective. I always enjoy finding out about people. Even if they are in absolute agony, I always find it very interesting.
RECE, PRODUCER: [silent, stunned]
KYLE: My Dinner With Andre.
PRODUCER: ...I was not expecting th-
KYLE: NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
PRODUCER, on phone: Hey, FOX? Yeah, it's Jerry in Bristol. Was wondering if you guys can use another body on the NFL pregame desk. He'll talk circles around Bradshaw.