clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

THE CURIOUS INDEX ANALYZES FLORIDA'S THREAT MATRIX

A STATE WITH SO MANY WAYS TO KILL YOU IT ALMOST BREAKS MATH ITSELF

By Spencer Hall
Peter Casey-USA TODAY Sports

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOUR HAZARD QUOTIENT HERE. Fools continue to underestimate the threat matrix Florida provides on a daily basis for even the simplest of activities. You set out to rob a house, you flee into the woods, you assume that the alligator that killed you was really the first and most obvious danger you didn't account for, and not any of the following:

  • any of the citizens, all armed to the teeth and legally cleared to ventilate your person if they feel threatened
  • the driver you didn't see narrowly miss you on the road, who could have been old, drunk, or old and drunk
  • the private plane overhead that didn't crash into you, probably also flown by a drunk old person and/or a drug smuggler
  • any variety of poisonous snakes you stepped over, or that were in the pockets of the residents
  • the police, who are pretty liberal with their gunfire
  • lightning
  • an uninspected building falling on you
  • sinkhole swallowing you
  • random bear attack (new, but growing in popularity)

Florida: it will kill you, if you give it time. Do your robbery planning accordingly

YOUR FULL FAT BOWL SCHEDULE IN TOTAL EN VIVO PLUS FORT TRES MUSCULAR, ETC. The complete SB Nation Bowl Season Calendar is up, and what better way to sell you on it than to point out that we had to make picks for it, and that a.) one of those picks involves holding the nose and picking Notre Dame over Ohio State, and b.) picking Michigan over Florida, because Florida's offense is out of points, and will not refill them until spring practice.

IS THIS A WARNING OR A FACT OR BOTH? Will Muschamp is already out recruiting. Take all safety precautions you deem necessary.

A DECISION THAT WILL LITERALLY BE MADE IN HINDSIGHT. Jake Butt is unsure of whether he will return for his senior season or enter the NFL. We hope he leaves, takes a huge NFL signing bonus, and retires after three games because the NFL is dumb, and no one should have to play football for a living. (This is what we hope for every college football player we like: that they fleece an NFL owner, retire, and then open a series of wildly profitable car washes or something.)

SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU MIGHT AS WELL THROW DICE. A look at hiring from the Nick Saban coaching tree suggests that taking one of the Dark Lord's assistants as a surefire success works out pretty much like everything else in life: randomly, unevenly, and at rates no better than just throwing darts at a list of names.

ETC: