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A CONVERSATION IN THE OFFICE OF THE EAST CAROLINA FOOTBALL PROGRAM

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CALL SECURITY, PLEASE

Aaron Doster-USA TODAY Sports

The offices of the East Carolina football program. It is the morning of Friday, December 4th, 2015. The program has just fired Coach Ruffin McNeill

A windowless van drives up to the doors of the athletic facility and comes to a halt on the screech of four visibly bald tires. The letters "U-P-S" are spraypainted crudely on the side.

The doors open. A man who looks suspiciously like super-agent Jimmy Sexton pushes a very large cardboard box from the back. It falls to the ground awkwardly, as if it were unevenly weighted.

A RECEPTIONIST eyes the box from behind the glass doors of the building's entrance. The van peels off, bumping over the curb on the way out of the parking lot. The box shifts, as if the thing inside were hurt, and listing slightly to one side in pain.

RECEPTIONIST: JEFF. Get the hell out here, I'm not getting near that.

ATHLETIC DIRECTOR: I'm busy, this press release gotta go NOW.

RECEPTIONIST: If you don't I'm calling the bomb squad OH HELL IT'S MOVING--

ATHLETIC DIRECTOR: Goddammit, what--

[The box pops open]

CaptaNutt

enter HOUSTON NUTT

NUTT: AVAAAAASST YEEEEEEEEEEaaaaahhh owwww god.

RECEPTIONIST: Are you bleeding?

NUTT: Only from the blood of the British, ah-ha!

He checks his side with his fingertips. He is bleeding from several large abrasions to his torso.

NUTT: Just a graze from a cannonball! I'm here for the job.

The AD leans in and stares at Nutt's face.

ATHLETIC DIRECTOR: The fake scar was really unnecessary.

NUTT: Especially now! 'Cept that scar ain't fake. Oh, it's real. Got that trying to fight Sir Big Spur. Mean bird, and surprisingly skilled with a steak knife.

RECEPTIONIST: Is that a real parrot?

NUTT: What parrot?

AD: Houston, we're not even sure what we're doing yet.

NUTT: A pirate never waits, Jeff! You think Blackbeard waited to attack Universal Studios? No sir, he just did it, and years later they named the city after him.

AD: Orlando?

NUTT: Bloom. That was his real name, anyway. You ain't seen those documentaries? Jack Sparrow was the real brains here. Piracy gets a bad name, and that's not fair. I think one way we can improve that is more charitable work, like the time I donated 300 bootleg DVD copies of Batman Forever to Goodwill.

RECEPTIONIST: Do you want me to call security?

NUTT eyes the flintlock in his hand nervously. RECEPTIONIST begins dialing the number for campus security.

NUTT: No need for that, either! I'M ONLY HERE FOR THE BOOTY, ARRRR---

RECEPTIONIST begins dialing the number for campus security very quickly. Houston Nutt begins to run towards the road, clutching his side.

NUTT: I work New Year's Day, ask Ole Miss! Two in a row!

CAMPUS SECURITY: Yes. Problem?

RECEPTIONIST: We have a Houston.