THE CURIOUS INDEX WILL GRADE YOUR GOATEE

LET'S ALL GET NEW JOBS. Missouri and Memphis both hired coaches last night, which is fine, they should probably do that. Mizzou went with current defensive coordinator Barry Odom, who did an excellent job with the defense this year. He also looks exactly like the kind of dude that would be a linebacker in the mid-90s that wore #39, which is simultaneously weird and hard as hell. Do not step to Barry Odom, he will put on a half shirt and put your ass into the wall.

Instead of hiring Odom, who they were rumored to be after, Memphis hired Arizona State offensive coordinator Mike Norvell. Norvell's been Todd Graham's offensive coordinator ever since the Pitt glory days, and has a pretty decent resume of offenses, so I guess this is okay. He's only 34 too, which, damn.

However, when grading these hires, I come to too different conclusions, and it's all based on one important characteristic: Goatee having.

Odom doesn't have a goatee, and looks like a dude that will have no compunction with beating your ass while wearing cotton shorts. Four stars out of five.

Norvell, though, has a goatee, and it's not good.

You're not Bud Foster, Mike. Bud's the only one allowed to rock a goatee and not have reflect poorly on him and his family. I mean, it looks like he was born with one. It's like a naturally occurring rock formation, cut into his face after exposure to the elements for eons.

As for you, Mike Norvell: two stars, and a heartfelt suggestion to just go with a full beard. You're a young, strapping lad with a full life ahead of him. Life is hard enough as it is without having the burden of something like that resting on your face.

This is my only rubric for grading coaching hires. It's foolproof, and you can't tell me otherwise. And as for Tom Herman, that shapeshifting being from beyond the stars, this applies to you too. Choose your form wisely.