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THE CURIOUS INDEX ASKS A COKE BOTTLE FOR ANSWERS

NICK SABAN DEFINITELY DOES NOT HAVE KIRBY SMART LOCKED IN A BASEMENT

By Spencer Hall
Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

GO ASK THE COKE BOTTLE, IT'S FILLED WITH CORROSIVE ACID JUST LIKE MY SOUL

The best thing about watching Nick Saban dare reporters to interrogate a bottle of soda: your sneaking suspicion that Nick Saban is refusing to talk about his defensive coordinator leaving for the Georgia job because he has that defensive coordinator under house arrest in the Alabama football offices, and that he will not let him leave until the completion of Alabama's season. (And possibly not until after recruiting is done.)

DOES THAT PHILOSOPHY INVOLVE ANY ATTEMPTS AT SCORING OR RECRUITING A SINGLE WIDE RECEIVER EFFECTIVELY? Will Muschamp's pitch for the South Carolina job involves a vow to be different offensively. This pitch probably went along the lines of "I will have an offense this time." Considering EDSBS Rule Number One is "People never change" and Rule Number Two is "People will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again," this seems highly improbable but YOU HAVE FUN WITH THAT, SOUTH CAROLINA. YOU ENJOY IT.

AHOY, THE PIESMAN FINALISTS RUMBLE THROUGH. No, Laquan McGowan is not on there.

MIAMI WELCOMES THE RESURRICHT-ION. Mark Richt doesn't necessarily have to take his top QB recruit with him to Miami, since the 'Canes already have one of their own who appears to be just fine, and also because Mark Richt is the kind of coach who would just tell you to follow your heart, son. (No really, he would. A mutant among wolves, that man.)

JAMES FRANKLIN ENTERS EVERY ROOM LIKE THIS.

Dammit, James, we just cleared the house out from the last time you started the smoke machine.