THE CURIOUS INDEX SASSES GARY PATTERSON

DON'T SASS GARY PATTERSON. Because he'll state mostly factual things back at you, young Baker Mayfield.  This doesn't seem that inflammatory or trash-talky or snarky or however you care to put it, mostly because Gary Patterson seems to just be kind of over it, and also rightly points out that this all worked out brilliantly for everyone.

CAN A STATUE SWEAT? Related news: Gary Patterson will soon be cast in bronze, and if they want any semblance of accuracy they better put sprinklers in that thing.

CONGRATULATIONS TO IOWA STATE. The streak of going undefeated in bowl games continues for the triumphant Cyclones. If the rest of the Big 12 could only get on their level, the debate about conference supremacy would be over.  (And yet they fired Paul Rhoads? So odd, Ames. So persistently odd.)

THAT PRESEASON TOP FIVE CAN'T EVER BE TAKEN AWAY, THOUGH. The Auburn Tigers will finish the year in Birmingham, and boy isn't that the way things were supposed to work out for them. The only positive news is that Memphis has very little in the way of defense, too, so a zillion points in either direction turns this into coin flip that might not result in Auburn ending up with a losing record.

BARNHART UNCHAINED. The day when we pass out on our fainting couch at Tony Barnhart using the word "bitched" in a column is here.

ETC: If you ever wanted to read something that made you want to go to Pakistan, here you go.