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JIM HARBAUGH HAS GIFTS FOR YOU

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PA-RUM-PA-PA-PUM

[SCENE: the Harbaugh household, Christmas morning]

JIM HARBAUGH: Merry Christmas, wife!

SARAH HARBAUGH: You can call me Sarah, Jim, we've been married for seven years.

JIM: Hey, you earned that title. Wear it with pride.

SARAH: Should we open gifts?

JIM: With persistence and vigor and an unholy passion for-

SARAH [wearily]: Jim, it's early.

JIM: [is doing pullups]

SARAH: Here, open yours.

JIM [unwrapping]: A wheelbarrow full of iron slag! I love it.

SARAH: I'm still not sure why you asked for it. That mall Santa was really put off.

JIM: I'll eat it later, thank you. Now, let's open yours!

SARAH: Oh god, there are air holes in the box, Jim, I specifically requested no more-

JIM [through a mouthful of iron slag]: OPEN IT

SARAH: Oh, well, a partridge in a pear tree. That's very traditional and literal, okay. It could've been worse, I guess.

JIM: According to Greek legend, the first partridge appeared when Daedalus threw his nephew, Perdix, off the sacred hill of Athena in a fit of jealous rage. Mindful of his fall, the bird does not build its nest in the trees, nor take lofty flights and avoids high places. I respect a blue-collar, humble bird like that. Puts in work. Focuses on the task ahead.

SARAH: And the tree?

JIM: Pearwood is a tough, stable wood that doesn't warp. Makes excellent rulers.

SARAH: Okay, well, thanks, I guess.

[the next day]

JIM: Time to open your present!

SARAH: Christmas was yesterday, Jim?

JIM: And today is a new day, where the score is 0-0 and we-

SARAH [unwrapping quickly to get it over with]: Two turtle doves. Okay.

JIM: They have a migratory range that spans from Russia to southern Africa. Merciless recruiters. Always on the move.

SARAH: Are you just pulling facts about birds from Wikipedia

[December 27th]

JIM [ringing giant bell at 5AM]: PRESENT TIME

SARAH [startled awake]: WHAT THE HELL JIM

JIM: Here, three French hens! They're natural fighters.

SARAH: Actually, French hens are an especially docile breed of chicken, and-

JIM: YEAH BUT I GAVE THESE GUYS PREWORKOUT DRINK AND TINY KNIVES, THEY'RE PRETTY PISSED

[December 28th]

JIM [blowing air horn]: CHRISTMAS WILL NEVER END HERE'S FOUR CALLING BIRDS

SARAH: I DON'T WANT ANY MORE DAMN BIRDS

JIM: I TAUGHT THREE OF THEM TO SING 'THE VICTORS'

SARAH: what about the fourth

JIM: JUDGE JUDY THEME

[December 29th]

JIM: Okay, I've listened to your complaints, and I assure you, no more birds today.

SARAH [cautiously]: what's the trick

JIM: open the box!

SARAH: oh, five golden rings! Jim, this is lovely, I'm so-

JIM [grabs box, hurls it into pond]: RINGS ARE EARNED ON THE FIELD, NOW LET'S RUN STAIRS

[December 30th]

SARAH [arms crossed in doorway, with six geese flanking her]: you son of a bitch I told you no more birds

JIM: Geese fly in formation. Few natural predators. You take thirty of them, you can rule a shopping center parking lot. No one tells them where to poop. They poop where they want.

SARAH: THESE ARE NOT ATTRIBUTES I FIND POSITIVE IN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

[December 31st]

SARAH [getting ready to go to a party] [looks out window]: are those swans swimming in our pond new

JIM [pretending not to hear, focused on Castlevania on his Game Boy]

SARAH: I will divorce you if you get any more birds, Jim

JIM: look I bought all of the birds at once, my bird guy sells in bulk

SARAH: why do you have a bird guy

JIM [throws Game Boy against wall, storms out]: BECAUSE BO HAD A BIRD GUY

[January 1st]

JIM: Okay, I'm really done with birds.

SARAH: Our house is covered in shit, Jim. Two of the swans got into my car. Have you seen what a swan can do to the inside of a car?

JIM: Of course I have. I respect their energy. Now let's start the new year on a better note. [offers large glass of milk] It's like natural steroids!

SARAH: [peering over Jim's shoulder at eight milkmaids in the kitchen] Dammit, Jim they sell milk at the store! We don't need to run a dairy farm. And aren't you coaching a bowl today?

JIM: I trained the geese to coach in my place, I'm really focused on this gift-giving season.

Editor's note: The geese held Florida to 112 offensive yards in a 17-10 victory.

[January 2nd]

[they're both just staring, arms crossed, as nine ladies dance around their living room]

JIM: I- I'm sorry, I don't even know where I was going with this one.

[January 3rd]

[Sarah awakens to the sound of Jim running hurdling drills with ten lords in the backyard]

SARAH: he's not even pretending these are for me anymore

JIM: There's a starting cornerback in here somewhere [throwing headseat] LEAP, YOU LANDOWNING BASTARDS, LEAP

[January 4th]

[Jim bursts into bedroom with eleven bagpipers]

[the bed is already made and there's a note on it]

[January 5th]

[outside Sarah's friend Carol's house]

CAROL: Look, she says she'll talk to you, but only if [gesturing] they stay outside.

JIM [to the drumline he's hired for the day]: Alright, fellas, there's a prep DB who lives down the street, go drum outside his house until he agrees to decommit from Ohio State. I'll meet you later.

CAROL: hold on, you're not coming in my house covered in bird poop. I'll get the hose.