[SCENE: the Harbaugh household, Christmas morning]
JIM HARBAUGH: Merry Christmas, wife!
SARAH HARBAUGH: You can call me Sarah, Jim, we've been married for seven years.
JIM: Hey, you earned that title. Wear it with pride.
SARAH: Should we open gifts?
JIM: With persistence and vigor and an unholy passion for-
SARAH [wearily]: Jim, it's early.
JIM: [is doing pullups]
SARAH: Here, open yours.
JIM [unwrapping]: A wheelbarrow full of iron slag! I love it.
SARAH: I'm still not sure why you asked for it. That mall Santa was really put off.
JIM: I'll eat it later, thank you. Now, let's open yours!
SARAH: Oh god, there are air holes in the box, Jim, I specifically requested no more-
JIM [through a mouthful of iron slag]: OPEN IT
SARAH: Oh, well, a partridge in a pear tree. That's very traditional and literal, okay. It could've been worse, I guess.
JIM: According to Greek legend, the first partridge appeared when Daedalus threw his nephew, Perdix, off the sacred hill of Athena in a fit of jealous rage. Mindful of his fall, the bird does not build its nest in the trees, nor take lofty flights and avoids high places. I respect a blue-collar, humble bird like that. Puts in work. Focuses on the task ahead.
SARAH: And the tree?
JIM: Pearwood is a tough, stable wood that doesn't warp. Makes excellent rulers.
SARAH: Okay, well, thanks, I guess.
[the next day]
JIM: Time to open your present!
SARAH: Christmas was yesterday, Jim?
JIM: And today is a new day, where the score is 0-0 and we-
SARAH [unwrapping quickly to get it over with]: Two turtle doves. Okay.
JIM: They have a migratory range that spans from Russia to southern Africa. Merciless recruiters. Always on the move.
SARAH: Are you just pulling facts about birds from Wikipedia
JIM [ringing giant bell at 5AM]: PRESENT TIME
SARAH [startled awake]: WHAT THE HELL JIM
JIM: Here, three French hens! They're natural fighters.
SARAH: Actually, French hens are an especially docile breed of chicken, and-
JIM: YEAH BUT I GAVE THESE GUYS PREWORKOUT DRINK AND TINY KNIVES, THEY'RE PRETTY PISSED
JIM [blowing air horn]: CHRISTMAS WILL NEVER END HERE'S FOUR CALLING BIRDS
SARAH: I DON'T WANT ANY MORE DAMN BIRDS
JIM: I TAUGHT THREE OF THEM TO SING 'THE VICTORS'
SARAH: what about the fourth
JIM: JUDGE JUDY THEME
JIM: Okay, I've listened to your complaints, and I assure you, no more birds today.
SARAH [cautiously]: what's the trick
JIM: open the box!
SARAH: oh, five golden rings! Jim, this is lovely, I'm so-
JIM [grabs box, hurls it into pond]: RINGS ARE EARNED ON THE FIELD, NOW LET'S RUN STAIRS
SARAH [arms crossed in doorway, with six geese flanking her]: you son of a bitch I told you no more birds
JIM: Geese fly in formation. Few natural predators. You take thirty of them, you can rule a shopping center parking lot. No one tells them where to poop. They poop where they want.
SARAH: THESE ARE NOT ATTRIBUTES I FIND POSITIVE IN CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
SARAH [getting ready to go to a party] [looks out window]: are those swans swimming in our pond new
JIM [pretending not to hear, focused on Castlevania on his Game Boy]
SARAH: I will divorce you if you get any more birds, Jim
JIM: look I bought all of the birds at once, my bird guy sells in bulk
SARAH: why do you have a bird guy
JIM [throws Game Boy against wall, storms out]: BECAUSE BO HAD A BIRD GUY
JIM: Okay, I'm really done with birds.
SARAH: Our house is covered in shit, Jim. Two of the swans got into my car. Have you seen what a swan can do to the inside of a car?
JIM: Of course I have. I respect their energy. Now let's start the new year on a better note. [offers large glass of milk] It's like natural steroids!
SARAH: [peering over Jim's shoulder at eight milkmaids in the kitchen] Dammit, Jim they sell milk at the store! We don't need to run a dairy farm. And aren't you coaching a bowl today?
JIM: I trained the geese to coach in my place, I'm really focused on this gift-giving season.
Editor's note: The geese held Florida to 112 offensive yards in a 17-10 victory.
[they're both just staring, arms crossed, as nine ladies dance around their living room]
JIM: I- I'm sorry, I don't even know where I was going with this one.
[Sarah awakens to the sound of Jim running hurdling drills with ten lords in the backyard]
SARAH: he's not even pretending these are for me anymore
JIM: There's a starting cornerback in here somewhere [throwing headseat] LEAP, YOU LANDOWNING BASTARDS, LEAP
[Jim bursts into bedroom with eleven bagpipers]
[the bed is already made and there's a note on it]
[outside Sarah's friend Carol's house]
CAROL: Look, she says she'll talk to you, but only if [gesturing] they stay outside.
JIM [to the drumline he's hired for the day]: Alright, fellas, there's a prep DB who lives down the street, go drum outside his house until he agrees to decommit from Ohio State. I'll meet you later.
CAROL: hold on, you're not coming in my house covered in bird poop. I'll get the hose.