FIRE JAWNS OR STRUG THREADS?
For real, these are ESPN's "New Year's Eve Collection" of tuxedos available to 10 lucky fans of each CFP team pic.twitter.com/r2knfKf7U2— Paul Myerberg (@PaulMyerberg) December 10, 2015
I'm here to talk about fashion today. Fashion is important. It's how we present ourselves to the world. I'm not sure what ESPN's angle is in having these four dudes put on team-colored formal wear, other than giving immature baby men ideas for their wedding tux. HOWEVER, I'll be damned if I don't take the opportunity to provide in-depth analysis into these stupid things.
First, a personal note. I don't like bowties. I think they make the wearer look like a total wiener, and unless you're Keith Richards-level thin, all they do is accentuate the extra cruising weight on your midsection. Style is a personal choice, but rocking a bowtie makes your ass highly suspect.
Okay, down to business.
You're never supposed to mix brown and black (for the most part anyway), and if you don't know why that's generally a good rule, take a look at this vest/pants combination. The vest also appears to have a suede-type texture to it, which just means you'll see the places where you touch it. The red blazer and black pants are fine, though I'm not crazy on the white piping on the jacket. The vest just completely ruins this look, and upon further reflection, it's low key the single worst piece of clothing in this picture. Oh, and this dude's shirt sleeves aren't long enough. Verdict? WOULD NOT COP.
If you decide to wear an orange jacket like this, one of two things has happened: You are wearing a Dumb and Dumber halloween costume, or you're the coach at Tennessee. In either case, you have made a dire error, and need reflect on your poor choices. I thought about whether this would be better if the shirt and jacket colors were switched, and the thought of a bright orange dress shirt just made me too sad to give it serious consideration. It would look like the world's most high-class Joker costume. Tiger stripes on the bowtie is a strong tough, though, form factor aside. WOULD NOT COP.
Whatever redeeming value houndstooth had left before it was pasted all over Alabama fedoras and baseball hats has run precariously low. Of the four options here, though, it is far and away the most cohesive look and an easy COP. A touch boring, sure, but predictable is just part of The Process.
I have questions. Why was this blazer selected to have a completely ridiculous feature while none of the others did? Why, after deciding something extra was needed, did designers go with hilariously large epaulettes, like this dude's mom tried to make him a Napoleon costume? Why Jadakiss as hard as it gets? Why? WOULD NOT COP.
Which one would you put on your body, oh fashionable commenters? Vote below, or suffer the consequences (Like having to wear the Michigan State one).
ETC. This Burt Reynolds interview in Vanity Fair is incredible, detailing his retreat from one of America's most public figures to a hobbled old man living in a lonely estate in Tequesta. His once-bursting fortune included your standard houses and cars, but my personal favorite is, "Plus well over $100,000 worth of toupees fashioned by Edward Katz, 'the Armani of hair replacement.'" Go Noles.