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THE CURIOUS INDEX ROWS TO THE BAHAMAS

DON'T THINK PJ FLECK WON'T GO KON-TIKI ON YOUR ASS

By Spencer Hall

THIS IS LITERAL. PJ Fleck will row a boat to the Bahamas, and possibly further if he feels like it.

Please recall that this is going to be a game between MTSU and Western Michigan, and will probably be like 43-42 at the bell, and is the only bowl game on foreign soil, and the only one sponsored by a legendary fried chicken chain. There is nothing about this bowl game that is not essential, and that is before you remember that it takes place on Christmas Eve, when you're posted up at your house drinking an entire bottle of wine and desperately looking for ways to avoid human interaction. This game is a superhero; treat it accordingly.

UCF HIRES SOMEONE WHO IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO LEAVE IN A YEAR OR TWO FOR ANOTHER JOB. Scott Frost is leaving Oregon to become the head coach at UCF. This means a lot of things.

  1. Scott Frost doesn't really want to be hanging around Oregon, which doesn't sound real good for Oregon's sake
  2. Scott Frost is going to try the Malzahn Maneuver, with a long run back to Oregon when Helfrich gets canned by Phil Knight for only winning like, nine games in a year
  3. Scott Frost will probably do a really good job in the meantime, and make UCF something more than a glorified doorstop
  4. That poor bar in Orlando will finally get to stop serving free beer sometime next fall

RICHT BOY SELLIN' THAT. Maryland wants to talk to Mark Richt, which is cool because we've always wanted to see a really good person given the curse of the Maryland job WAIT THAT IS NOT WHAT WE WANT AT ALL.

MIZZOU POLITELY EXCUSES ITSELF AND GOES TO BED. Mizzou does the entire universe a favor and declines to play another game in 2015. This act of valor does not go unappreciated, Tigers; in fact, it may be the most an SEC East team will do for the universe as a whole this year.

PIESMAN VOTES AHOY. The ballot is here, and apropos of its subject matter it contains a mere sixty or so plays to choose from. A burly buffet of boisterous bouncing athleticism, if you will.

ETC: The NFL is our national sport and reflects the optimism and hope of the American people.