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THE CURIOUS INDEX UNDID ITS BELT

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WE GORGED ON THE TRADITIONAL THANKSGIVING FEAST OF EASY RUSHING YARDS.

Brendan Maloney-USA TODAY Sports

WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY. Good morning to all! I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving and were able to fill up on food and drink while avoiding talking about politics with your relatives. I also hope you didn't fill up too early, because last night's games gave us a full damn meal in the evening time. And yes, sadness technically is a carb.

UCF completed their amazing transformation, capping off a winless 2015 campaign with a 44-3 thrashing at the hands of USF. The game did feature this ridiculous catch by Tre'Quan Smith, but that was the single bright spot in an otherwise uniform beating of gruesome proportions. During the game, I wondered if UCF really was as bad as their record would indicate, and OH GOD, THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE. Look at that win expectancy column!

If you're interested in sad UCF fans, folks, we've got 'em.

USF finishes the regular season 8-4, their best record since 2010, which was considerably more recent than I expected when I went to look that up. They can actually sneak into the AAC title game if Temple gets bricked by UConn on Saturday. All hail the AAC, the conference that charmed your pants clean off before stealing all the pills out of your aunt's medicine cabinet.

And shit, speaking of pain, let's talk about Texas!

This game was a wailing chasm of insanity, and both teams' defenses fell into the depths early. Tech pulled out the 48-45 win, surviving a wild fourth quarter that featured 42 combined points. If you want an accurate summation of just how nutty this game was, this was the winning touchdown.

That's Jakeem Grant scoring on a fake kneel, which somehow overshadowed Tech scoring on this ridiculous play earlier in the game.

Texas surrendered 665 yards of total offense to Texas Tech, including a staggering 293 yards rushing. Chris Warren rushed for 276 yards and three touchdowns for the Longhorns, but their complete lack of a passing game did them in.

Texas will not be going to a bowl, and still has to play Baylor next week. It's probably not going to go well.

NEEDS MORE PISS. Michigan-Ohio State got the Taiwanese animation treatment. It makes not a single god damned lick of sense, and it's pretty good.

Here are a few screencaps, provided without context.

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COME HOME CHIP. We'll treat you right, and it will only take 8-12 months to flush the Philadelphia out of your system. All it will take is eight tall, cool glasses of vinegar a day.