Today, we are thankful for Georgia Tech being good enough to keep Florida State out of the playoff mix and simultaneously bad enough to lose to UVA.
We are thankful for you, Charlie Strong In A Golden Cowboy Hat.
Yes, you lost that hat to Paul Rhoads in a leg wrestling match a few weeks later, and maybe you're going to Miami because apparently that's now a more stable and welcoming situation than Texas which goddamn THAT is a sentence, but you had this moment, and we will always cherish it.
We're thankful for you, Michigan State, not solely because you beat Ohio State, but because you gave them a transitive loss to Nebraska. And Purdue. And Marshall. And Vanderbilt. This chain is absolutely real, and you made it possible.
We are thankful for the cursed amulet Will Muschamp swallowed unknowingly, which brings famine and pestilence to the offense nearest to him. Remember, Auburn: Florida is defraying the cost of this season for you, which is why you should never accept any gift from a Floridian without running it through one of those chemical sniffers at the airport first.
We are thankful for you, USF. You're going to put the cap on UCF's winless season and, while we wish no ill upon UCF fans, this will be a wonderful chapter in George O'Leary's biography. We will read it to children one day to remind them that Krampus is real and his only success was thanks to Joe Hamilton and Blake Bortles.
We're even thankful for you, Notre Dame fans. No, you're not in the playoff as of today, but surely you'll handle that exclusion with calmness and grace should it come to pass. Enjoy this gift certificate, good for $10 worth of leaded gasoline!
We're SO thankful for you, Pac-12. You are a total mess this year, and for proof of that consider that interim head coach Clay Helton could win the conference with four losses, be thanked for his service, and asked to vacate his office by the end of the day.
We're weirdly thankful for you, Florida. It seems entirely plausible that you'll finish 12-2 and unranked, and, honestly? That won't seem entirely unjustified! You have been at least three different teams over the course of the season and still have time to be at least two more. (One will not be "team that can make short field goals." We've accepted this.)
We're thankful for Louisville, Arkansas, NC State, Texas Tech, Indiana, Boise State, Cal, Arizona State, and Tennessee. Lord knows we have no idea if you're on the cusp of being really good or about to fishtail into a ditch full of razor blades that are on fire, but we're thankful that you keep us on our toes. You're the carpet Legos of college football.
We're thankful for you, ACC referees. You gave Miami fans a reason to embrace their unapologetic assholishness, without which they are just Syracuse fans with a higher probability of skin cancer.
We are sincerely thankful for the American Athletic Conference, which gave us a fun Memphis team, a ravenous Temple defense, a Houston offense that's scored more touchdowns than Vanderbilt, Mizzou, and South Carolina combined, and a Navy team that will completely fuck up a good Power 5 team's day in a bowl game. Oh, and it might do this.
I was informed by Green Wave booster "if Barbara Burke becomes Tulane AD, Rob Ryan is a candidate to become head coach." @footballscoop
— Fletcher Mackel (@FletcherMackel) November 26, 2015
YOU'RE AN INSANE BEAUTY, AAC.
We're thankful for Jane Coaston and Action Cookbook and Peter Berkes, all of whom are fantastic writers and thinkers and help us keep this corner of the Internet from collapsing into a dusty heap of Ron Zook jokes.
And, of course, we are thankful for you, our readers and commenters. You're all wonderful, slightly damaged stars in the sky, forming a constellation that spells FUCK IOWA. (Even though we're kind of cool with Iowa this year. We suspect that won't carry over to 2016.)