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JIM HARBAUGH HAS PRESENTS FOR THE DEAD

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BECAUSE THE DEAD LOVE PRESENTS

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The Ghost of Bo Schembechler, upon waking up to find Jim Harbaugh smashed a buckeye on his gravesite:

(nodding solemnly) Well, that's the kind of fire you like to see before this weekend. A hammer's a pretty good symbol for a football team. You've got the face, which is your running game - it has to hit hard, but it also has to be precise. No point in having a strong offense that can't find the weak points in a defense. Then there's the grip, which is your offensive line. Might not be the part of the hammer that gets the most attention, but without a good one the whole thing's pretty damned useless. The claw, well, that's the defense, helping your offense out when it makes a mistake. Jim was always clever, and I think he's doing a fine job.

The Ghost of Bo Schembechler, after returning to find Jim Harbaugh covered his grave in turtle carcasses before a Maryland game:

Passion's a powerful thing, an essential element to great leadership. What some see as a bizarre, possibly sadistic act of violence might be the perfect motivation tool for a team. A good coach has the pulse of his locker room and knows what they need better than anyone else. Sometimes that's a pep talk. Sometimes that's a stern dressing down. Sometimes it's filling a laundry sack with turtles you purchased under an assumed identity, placing the sack on a dead man's burial plot, putting three lit M-80s in the sack, and running away. There's no one way to be a great head coach.

Also, if one of you wouldn't mind getting a hose, I'd appreciate it. Preferably before the birds start smelling all this.

The Ghost of Bo Schembechler, awoken by the noise of Jim Harbaugh hurling Erlenmeyer flasks at a bound and nude Gerard Butler:

Christ, Jim, it's three in the morning. Fielding's going to be livid if you wake him up. Who is this you're bloodying, anyway?

(The Ghost of Henry Simmons Frieze gives Schembechler a general overview of 300, including the liberties it took with actual events.)

Oh, well, if this is about punishing someone for a misrepresentation of military history, by all means. The audacity of claiming that the Persians used war elephants at Thermopylae! Just make sure you clean up the glass afterwards and get a little extra practice time with the punt team.

The Ghost of Bo Schembechler walks into a police station after watching Jim Harbaugh set a U-Haul full of gophers on fire while drinking blood from the Little Brown Jug:

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a witchcraft or voodoo thing now. He keeps talking about wanting to get Notre Dame on the schedule so he can kidnap Sinn Féin leadership. I've seen the diagrams, and I think he can pull it off.