THE #ALLPIOFFENSE: AMERICA'S BEST CHANCE

We are in a crisis. A crisis of absolutely godawful football playcalling, resulting in godawful football, resulting in a lot of people getting fired. As of Monday morning, there were 13 head coaching job openings following Scott "I seriously can't believe he even had this job" Shafer's firing from Syracuse - and there will likely be more on the way.

But I have a solution, one that will reshape the landscape of football and make me look like a goddang genius.

Imagine an offense built on the opponent's weaknesses. Imagine an offense that didn't require your team to be particularly good at anything. Imagine an offense that has literally worked everywhere from Rutgers to Ole Miss to Texas to the NFL.

Imagine the all-pass interference offense.

I won't sugar-coat it: the pass-interference offense is the second-greatest idea I've ever had, behind marrying my wife but ahead of making an egg, bacon and avocado sandwich. It is water in the football desert, genius in its simplicity and applicability to multiple situations. If you're a good team, try it. If you're a bad team, do it multiple times. Kansas should be running the #allPIoffense exclusively.

Here's what you need for the all-pass interference offense:

1.) A BAD, BUT NOT TERRIBLE QUARTERBACK.

Imagine Ryan Mallett crossed with Jay Cutler on a really cold day. You want strength, but no touch. Ability, but no aim. You want "can chuck it deep" but not "can drop it into the basket." This is literally the easiest thing to find. They breed people like this across wide swaths of our country. Alabama has, like, six of these.

2.) OKAY, BUT NOT GOOD WIDE RECEIVERS. PREFERABLY KIND OF SHORT.

You need a receiver that can run the route, but not quiiiiite get there. Maybe his arms are too short, maybe he's a smidgen too slow, maybe for some reason you have a 5'6 receiver in the slot going deep and you're not the New England Patriots. (But even the Patriots run the #allPIoffense.)

3.) REFEREES WHO WILL CALL PASS INTERFERENCE ON VIRTUALLY ANYTHING.

If you hold the receiver, it's pass interference. If you cross in front of the receiver, it's pass interference. If you look askance at the receiver, and did not return the wide receiver's texts, it's pass interference. No one has any idea what pass interference is anymore, but that's not stopping anyone from calling it. Use this to your advantage.

Cornerbacks are not stupid, and linebackers are not dumb. After a few PI calls, they will start playing off your receivers, recognizing that apparently they can't get within three feet of a receiver without drawing a penalty.

And then what do you have?

Wide. Open. Receivers.

Then do whatever you want!

Chuck it deep!

Throw a crossing route that causes linebackers to run into one another!

Throw a flea flicker!

It doesn't matter, because the #allPIoffense has guaranteed you excellent field position and a secondary in shambles.

The #allPIoffense, like the #runafakepuntalot offense, has no flaws. If you don't get a PI call, your bad but not terrible quarterback has simply thrown an incompletion. If you do get PI, that's fifteen easy yards and a brand new set of downs.

Why isn't anyone running an offense purely based on penalties? I have no idea. Basketball games last an estimated six hours purely because the final two minutes are just block/charge calls to get to the free throw line. Penalties will remain with us, and we should use them to win games.

My ideas may seem unorthodox. But would you rather see the #allPIoffense, or someone running an edge play on first down from their opponent's 10 yard line, like a moron/James Franklin? You know you'd rather see the #allPIoffense, because it's perfect and genius and you love it.

I won't mince words: this is the greatest idea in the history of college football. It's the West Coast offense taken to its platonic ideal. It's amazing. I am amazed by it, and I thought it up.

The #allPIoffense is using what your opponent does wrong to make you look good. It is victory snatched from the jaws of defeat. It is the future. And we can get there together, if you hire me for your head coaching job, like a smart person.

Pass interference is our way forward. Let's get going. I take checks or cash.