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UNSOLVED MYSTERIES: THE CASE OF EIGHT TOM HERMANS

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YOUR TEAM IS PURSUING TOM HERMAN - BUT WHICH ONE?

Thomas B. Shea-USA TODAY Sports

If you do not know who Tom Herman is, you should because he will have a lot of money thrown at him this offseason by some lucky college football team. You should meet Tom Herman at the nearest convenient point in your schedule. Befriend him, earn his trust, and then ask for some of that money. It'll be a pittance to him, since he will be making at least three million dollars a year. Ask him for a boat! Tell him how great it'll be, and how you'll let him drive it whenever he wants to. Rich people love randomly buying boats for people, especially you.*

*Someone hasn't bought you a boat yet? Goddamn, you really are the most unlovable person on the planet, you boatless wretch. Lucky you, though: Tom Herman may be your best bet at getting a rich person to buy you a boat. This is because there may not be one Tom Herman to buy you that boat. According to the internet, there may be as many as eight Tom Hermans operating under that name as a football coach at Houston.

The coaching world's version of Andrew WK really does look totally different week to week. After some thorough photo examination, we've identified exactly eight Tom Hermans working as Tom Herman over the past three years.

Tom #1

TomHerman1

The most recent addition to the cast, and obviously the youngest, we call this one the 2015 Crossfit Instructor Herman model. Handles sideline work and appears to be involved in playcalling and game management. Seems to be mid-30s or so, and appears without a hat frequently. He needs you to lift this washing machine into that U-Haul. Stop asking if we're allowed to be at this Sears. You want permissive exercise, go join a Crunch, asshole.

Tom #2

TomHerman2

Tom Herman #2 is differentiated by favoring heavier clothing, a baseball cap at all times, and by being a completely different person than Tom Herman #1. He wears a headset but plays a more passive role on the sidelines, saying very few words while being award-winning actor and noted gourmand Stanley Tucci. This is Stanley Tucci preparing for a role as Tom Herman.

Tom #3

TomHerman4

Tom Herman #3 is really just Wisconsin head coach Paul Chryst playing along with the joke because he finds it amusing. He performs preseason PR duties as allowed, does not wear a hat, and will laugh twice as hard after everyone realizes this means Barry Alvarez could legally demand to coach Houston's bowl game if Tom Herman leaves for another job. Barry Alvarez says Barry's gonna do a great job, Houston. (Please note: Barry Alvarez also has a double, though he's tried to distance himself from sports.)

Tom #4

TomHerman4

Ohio State Tom Herman is the fourth Tom Herman. He favors windbreakers, TRX workouts, and has been imprisoned in an Alabama basement since last January. If you are aware of his whereabouts, please contact the FBI.

Tom #5

TomHerman5

Mostly seen at the gym putting up sick weights on power cleans. Water-ski commutes even though this is a wildly impractical form of daily transportation. Doesn't owe you forty bucks, that's that jerk Tom Herman #6, go talk to him. Earring is for recruiting, the glasses are for style, and the glutes are for the ladies and that 600 pounds of pigiron waiting for him in the squat rack down stairs.

Has head coaching experience at two different Powe-um, nope. Definitely does not have that. Whoops, gotta go, promised he'd stop by the pool supply store to get a new skimmer.

Tom #6

TomHerman6

Quietly accepted a $4.5 million contract offer to be South Carolina's head coach this morning. Who's a good Tom Herman? YOU ARE, TOM HERMAN. YOU'RE THE BEST DOGGY WHO'LL PROBABLY STILL HAVE A BETTER WIN PERCENTAGE THAN LOU HOLTZ HAD IN COLUMBIA.

Tom #7

VentnorsHerman

Tom #7 is the most refreshing Tom Herman on the market, and signed a $4.7 million a year deal to become the coach at the University of Missouri. "He's so reminiscent of Coach Pinkel." He's also the only version of Tom Herman your Midwestern uncle really likes, because he lets the product on the field do all the talking. No spotlight for Tom Vernman, because that means someone left the garage fridge door open. 12:55 (God help you if you set Tom Vernman on your Midwestern uncle's bumper bool table. I WANT RINGS ON MY COACH'S FINGERS, NOT MY DANG FELT, DIPSHIT.)

Tom #8

TomChermander

Tom Chermander is a fire-type Pokemon who evolves into Tom Hermans 1-7. That's it. We've solved the mystery of the multiple Tom Hermans: he is a Pokemon, evolves into every one of the Tom Hermans shown above, and you must collect them all to win.