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THE CURIOUS INDEX LOVES THE AMERICAN PASTIME

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THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE: FIRST ONE TO THREE OUTS WINS

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OUT NUMBER 1. Frank Beamer, who's retiring at the end of the season after nearly three decades and over 450 games at Virginia Tech. Before he got to Blacksburg, the Hokies had appeared in six bowl games and won one; Beamer's currently sitting on a 22 season bowl streak and is one of only ten coaches with ten or more bowl victories. Once he hangs up the whistle, Kirk Ferentz and Bob Stoops will be the only coaches left in FBS who were hired by their current program before 2000, and Beamer has twelve years of tenure on both of them. Frank Beamer is a lifer in a sport that doesn't appoint lifers anymore and sometimes doesn't let the existing ones leave cleanly, and even though it's been a bit since his last ten win season, he built Virginia Tech into a football name.

OUT NUMBER 2. Norm Chow, who's also technically a lifer at Hawaii, since he never had any other head coaching job and I doubt most schools are looking to hire a man on the cusp of 70 who accumulated seven wins over FBS opponents in three-and-a-half seasons. It's hard to say that isn't enough time to turn a program that used to make bowl games pretty regularly around, but it's also worth noting that Hawaii's one of the most publicly broke athletic departments. If you interview for this job, make sure you read the fine print, or else you'll find out too late that you're required to provide team transportation to next season's game in Ann Arbor. That's how they get you.

OUT NUMBER 3. Maty Mauk, suspended for the rest of the season for "disciplinary reasons." Missouri had previously suspended Mauk for four games due to a violation of team rules and, in his absence, Drew Lock beat South Carolina at home...and then threw 99 passes without a touchdown as the Tigers lost to Florida, Georgia, and Vanderbilt. Mizzou still has to play Mississippi State, BYU, Tennessee, and Arkansas, needing two wins in that stretch to become bowl-eligible. I already feel weird saying this but, uh, maybe save your energy for Rams games, Missouri fans. LOOK HEAR ME OUT TODD GURLEY'S SUPER GOOD AND THEY DON'T HAVE SAM BRADFORD THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

ETC. Listen, guys, I hate to be a buzzkill, but I really, really have to advise you against getting drunk, going to the zoo, and sneaking into a tiger enclosure to pet the tiger. The tiger does not want that. The tiger cannot speak or communicate in writing, so the tiger only has so many ways of telling you that it does not want that. All of these ways are painful for you.