KEEPING AN ENTIRE CHEESECAKE IN THE FRIDGE AT ALL TIMES, AND DEFINITELY NOT TAKING IT TO THE OFFICE: $45,000
The search firm has confirmed your decision to keep the entire delicious cheesecake in the fridge at your house. Key factors in this decision:
- Your strong sense of personal discipline, knowing that you will definitely not eat it either alone, or in accompaniment of several meals a day
- Your deep understanding of your body's needs versus your body's wants, i.e. that the cheesecake is definitely a treat to be enjoyed in moderation, and not as a kind of finger food replenished in overly generous slices
- That those slices will be cut exactly and in sparing quantities, and definitely not get clawed out of the cake by the end of the week with your bare fingers, since you are an adult and not just a toddler who can buy guns and liquor and operate motor vehicles
- That you definitely won't just bring the half-eaten thing out to the coffee table while you're playing Fallout 4 and eat it like a badger eats a garter snake
- Your obvious concern for your own health.
After careful consideration, the search firm recommends that you give your loved one this panini press. Other presents were eliminated for the following reasons:
- While your significant other specifically said a massage/spa combination booking was something they wanted, the search firm finds it hard to justify spending $200 for someone to put hot rocks on your back and then let you go swimming.
- Though the firm initially settled on an iPad mini, that purchasing decision was rescinded after 1) reading a very convincing Facebook post that they can spontaneously explode but the company's not doing anything about it and 2) the Best Buy fella was extremely unhelpful in helping the firm determine which Sudoku app is best.
- Despite past failures with the Juicer, the Bread Machine, and the Rotato, the firm feels confident that the Panini Press will be used with regularity and not sit in the garage unopened for years before it is sold at a yard sale at a substantial discount.
- The search firm really wants a panini. With chorizo.
HIRING THE COACH YOU WANTED TO HIRE ANYWAY: $750,000
The search firm has considered your available options for the position of football head coach. We have concluded, after much deliberation and research, that the best candidate for the position is THE COACH YOU WANTED TO HIRE ALL ALONG.
This decision was not taken lightly, but with the following in mind.
- You already have this coach's telephone number, remember his first and last name, and seem to like him
- The athletic director has a "type" and this one is it, even if they have never been a head coach before, which is actually in the requirements? You say that we're forgetting the prereqs listed in the job description under experience? HE'S LOUD AND MOTIVATIONAL!!! WE CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS LOUD MOTIVATION AND PASSION!!!
- Be honest, you weren't looking past your first choice anyway. Most Americans spend less than 20 minutes deciding what car to buy, and this man doesn't even come with a nav system or cupholders.
- You want to hire this person. We are telling you to hire this person. We want to tell you this. It will just cost you $750,000, which may seem expensive in comparison to the NFL, but remember: here, it's somewhat less likely you'll have to employ the cretinous son of the owner as general manager, or something really absurd like letting the owner wear a headset through the entire game.
- Unless you're Oregon.