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A MESSAGE ON THE 2015 VOLUNTEERS FROM SUNSPHERE

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SILENCE, YOUR GOLDEN COMMANDER ORB APPROACHETH

SUNSPHERE DELIGHTS IN MANY HUMAN FAILURES, BUT PERHAPS NONE ARE MORE AMUSINGLY BLUNDEROUS THAN PRESEASON RANKINGS. YOU UPRIGHT WORMS INSIST ON ASSIGNING A PREDICTED VALUE TO TEAMS DESPITE HAVING NO MEANINGFUL DATA UPON WHICH TO BASE YOUR INCREDIBLY FLAWED LOGIC. YOU ARE PROVEN WRONG IN SHORT ORDER, THE SEASON ENDS. AND THEN YOU REPEAT THE PROCESS, DOOMED RATS IN A MAZE DETERMINED THAT THIS TIME THE CORNER WHICH WAS BARREN WILL MAGICALLY NOW HAVE CHEESE IN IT.

PRESEASON RANKINGS ARE A TRAP YOU BUILD TO ENSNARE YOURSELVES.

NORMALLY, SUNSPHERE WOULD THANK YOU FOR THIS. THOUGH SUNSPHERE NEEDS NO HELP FROM HUMANS TO BRING GREAT SUFFERING AND ANGUISH TO THOSE ALLIED TO TENNESSEE FOOTBALL, SUNSPHERE WON'T TURN DOWN THE OPPORTUNITY TO PUSH THE VOLUNTEERS OFF A HIGHER-THAN-USUAL ROOF.

AND CONSIDER THE CRUELTY VISITED UPON THE ORANGE-CLAD HERETICS OF KNOXVILLE. THE BLOWN LEADS. THE INABILITY TO STOP A FLORIDA OFFENSE ON FOURTH DOWN, WHICH IS THE FOOTBALL EQUIVALENT OF LOSING A GAME OF BATTLESHIP TO A SLEEPY DOG. THE DEFEAT AT THE HAND OF BRET BIELEMA, SUNSPHERE'S SECOND COUSIN.

(STOP HIDING YOUR MANSPHERE FROM THE WORLD, BRET. YOU ARE PART ROYALTY AND SHOULD CELEBRATE THE PART OF YOU THAT IS ROUND AND PERFECT.)

YOU HUMANS MIGHT SURVEY THIS EMOTIONAL CARNAGE AND TREMBLE, CONVINCED THIS IS SUNSPHERE'S MAGNUM OPUS.

BUT.

SUNSPHERE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

WHAT HAS TRANSPIRED OVER THE FIRST FIVE WEEKS OF THE SEASON IS TOO CRUEL AND TORTUROUS EVEN TO SUNSPHERE'S HEARTLESS SENSIBILITIES. SUNSPHERE'S PLAN WAS TO HAVE TENNESSEE START 4-1 WITH A LOSS TO FLORIDA THAT COULD BE BLAMED ON AN OFFICIATING GAFFE. THIS WOULD BE FOLLOWED BY A DEFEAT OF GEORGIA, PROPELLING THE VOLUNTEERS TO A TOP 10 RANKING. THEN, TENNESSEE WOULD LOSE THREE STRAIGHT, INCLUDING A 37 POINT LOSS TO THE WORST SOUTH CAROLINA TEAM IN RECENT HUMAN MEMORY. SUNSPHERE INTENDED TO HAVE THE 2015 SEASON CULMINATE WITH 6-6 TENNESSEE LOSING TO IOWA STATE IN A BOWL GAME.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN PLENTY OF PAIN FOR SUNSPHERE, PLAGUING THE VOLUNTEERS WITH JUST ENOUGH HOPE TO CONTINUE ON THEIR CURRENT PATH AND JUST ENOUGH DOUBT TO BELIEVE THAT PATH ENDED IN RUIN. SUNSPHERE DID NOT FORESEE THAT SOMETHING WORSE, SOMETHING MORE FUNDAMENTALLY CRUEL, WAS EVEN POSSIBLE.

HOW DID YOU DO IT, BUTCH JONES? YOU LACK SUNSPHERE'S OMNIPOTENT CIRCUMFERENCE. YOU DO NOT REFLECT EVERY ANGLE OF EVERY SUNBEAM, AND YOU HARDLY TOWER OVER A FOUR DOOR SEDAN. BUT YOU HAVE DEVISED A PEAR OF ANGUISH MORE HORRIFYING THAN ANY MACHINATION SEEN IN SUNSPHERE'S ETERNITY. 

SUNSPHERE FEASTS ON HUMAN PAIN. SUNSPHERE BATHES IN IT, USES IT AS WINDEX ON SUNSPHERE'S IMMACULATELY CURVED PANELS. SUNSPHERE CANS THE FRUSTRATIONS AND STUMBLINGS OF YOUR SPECIES LIKE JELLIES AND GIVES THEM OUT AT WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGES.

AND YET.

YOU HAVE MADE SUNSPHERE FEEL PITY, BUTCH JONES. FOR THIS, YOU WILL PAY DEARLY.