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YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE FUN DAD ANGRY. Mike Riley's first season at Nebraska has included 1) a home loss to BYU on a Hail Mary, 2) a road loss to Miami after the Huskers scored 23 points in the fourth quarter only to throw a bad interception on their first overtime possession, and 3) a complete and total blunder of clock management that allowed Illinois enough time to march down the field and score the game-winning touchdown. To argue that there is a world where Nebraska is 5-0 is not much of a stretch; it is also not the world we inhabit, even slightly.

Meanwhile, Oregon State is 1-4. Or 2-2. Or 2-3. The point is, you don't know, because you're only paying attention to Oregon State if they win 10 games or finish the season without a victory. And herein lies the lesson we can take from Mike Riley: if you keep your head down and stay in places nobody bothers to check, they won't laugh at your failings.

WELCOME TO 2015. Officiating a football game seems really hard. Everything's happening so quickly, often at disadvantageous angles, and there's an inherent degree of judgment and discretion to many of the rules. Except, of course, whether you need to reach the line to gain or if four yards behind that point is close enough. That's just a plain old fuckup, and a reminder that "stupidity and/or incompetence" is the primary cause behind 90% of human stumblings.

DRESSED TO KILL STILL WIN EIGHT GAMES. Oregon isn't Oregon in 2015, mostly because Oregon doesn't have Marcus Mariota or a defense that can keep anyone out of the end zone. (No, seriously, the Ducks have surrendered more touchdowns this year than Texas, Maryland, and Wyoming.) But! They still have fancy uniforms, now including historically accurate scenes on the helmets! (The Duck later stabbed Meriwether Lewis over a gambling debt and fled to Canada.)


Sorry, Georgia. We're not good people. (And you're not a good football team, so it kind of evens out.)