Good morning and Happy Halloween!
Oh, you forgot it's Halloween? It's understandable. Maybe you've had a busy October. Maybe you were thrown off by the Christmas beers already invading store shelves. Maybe you weren't planning on doing anything tonight because you're old and having fun hurts you now. (That's my excuse!)
Here we are, though, noon on the Day of the Dead, and you've suddenly got plans and no costume. You could run to Where The Borders Used To Be and see if there's a last-minute purchase you can make, but who wants to pay $59.99 for a cheap nylon Sexy Cecil The Lion?
No, you're creative and resourceful. You're going to Bill Snyder this problem, and turn things you've got around the house into a top-notch costume that'll have you making out in the back of a cab with someone in a Rachel Dolezal wig by 2am tonight.
Let's explore your options!
I know you're out there, and I know what you're considering. Sexy Jim Harbaugh. Well, don't. First of all, it's redundant. Second, that's what everyone's going to be this year. Who wants to be one of a dozen people in khaki cutoffs at the party?
Go to the pantry. You've got some cans of cranberry sauce and pumpkin in there, right? Great. Drop them on the floor a couple times. Get some construction paper. Make a couple hand turkeys. Stick them in the toaster. Still got that November Rain cassingle lying around in a box under the bed? Pull the magnetic tape out. Great. Duct tape all of this to burnt and dinged garbage your body.
You look like a November that ended poorly, right? Congratulations: you're John Cooper.
Your kid's got one of those big 64-count boxes of crayons in their room, right? Cool. Grab that. (You paid for it anyways). Open the top. Smash the tips on the counter. Tie it to your belt. Look at it. Lot of options in there, but almost no points.
Congrats, you're a Will Muschamp team that still beat Georgia.
DIE-HARD MIAMI FANS
Just go as you are and tell everyone you're a Chupacabra or something, because hell, neither of you exist.
Whatever idea you think you have that's totally going to show Louisville fans, put it down. Walk away. WALK AWAY. As your court-appointed counsel, I insist.
NOTRE DAME FANS
Everyone's got a fake beard and a smock around somewhere, right? (Oh, you can grow a beard on your own WELL GOOD FOR YOU I'M SO PROUD.) Put those on. Grab the card table from the garage. Flip it over and drag it around. You're Touchdown Jesus confronting the moneychangers, and you both are gonna make a big ol' mess at Temple tonight.
Okay, this one's a little conceptual, but you gotta work with me. Fill up a bag of dog poop, light it on fire, and leave it on your neighbors porches.
"That's a prank, not a costume", you say! Oh? I say you just took a shitty situation and still messed up Stoops. Congrats, you're Charlie Strong.
FLORIDA STATE FANS
What's that you're all saying? You have thoughts on how Urban Meyer and Ohio State are going to punish JT Barrett for last night's drunk-driving arrest? You have opinions on how that compares to Jimbo Fisher's level of player discipline and team control?
I don't think we've got anything around the house, but I do have a friend who can address this.
why you always lying pic.twitter.com/WT2dqgVgW0— dancing skeleton (@skeletontunes) October 11, 2015