The following are all real quotes from Les Miles, which bizarrely fit with horror movies more than you'd think.
[a blood-soaked but clearly unharmed Miles addresses the collected media after a busy weekend]
The opponent proved to be a quality opponent...I think they have offense, defense and special teams. They are very quality. They made us earn a victory tonight. It's interesting when the opponent keeps playing and throwing the football and we keep answering.
I thought we improved in several spots. I think early on the defense played really well. We made some mistakes with coverage in the back end that really cost us big plays. I thought special teams were pretty good minus the onside kick. We punted the ball with coverage. We hit the ball well. We kicked it off and hit land marks. We improved in our special teams. This is a team that needs an open date to relax and get healthy. We look forward to playing and getting back in our conference.
Occasionally you go out and dive for a guy, there's a reflex and you grab a facemask inadvertently and you yank on it and disengage. It doesn't make any difference, it's still a penalty. That's not what we're talking about.
THE EVIL DEAD
I knew watching the film this was a team with real quickness, some guys that had quickness and speed. Not size, but they didn't necessarily need it. They played hard, got to the ball, made plays I recognize they were a good football team. They'll win games. They'll have an opportunity to win games.
I’ve told him on a number of occasions all he has to do is tell me it’s not fun anymore, it’s too hard, and I am the bad guy. I will step in and stop (it) and give him as much room as he possibly could need. I promise you I am very comfortably the bad guy there.
Here’s what happens. Two very quality teams take the field and compete like a son of a bitch for victory. You know what? It’s not a hammer and a nail relationship. It’s an opportunity for an opponent to be equal, and to raise their level of play in such a fashion that they win. And that’s how this thing works, that in fact you respect the opponent and he’s not the hammer and he’s not the frickin’ nail, okay? He’s the opponent. You understand?
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
I have a little tradition that humbles me as a man that lets me know I’m a part of the field and a part of the game, and it’s the very bottom as well as the very top. Yeah, it’s going to be all over the internet. You know what? You should’ve seen some games before this.
Certain style of man that grows up in Louisiana, says ‘You’re kidding me. This is the only place I want to go." If he finds a way to wiggle out of the finest state in America, if he finds a way not to enjoy Louisiana, if he doesn’t want to stay home, to hell with him.
It's a tremendous place for young men to kind of earn their way and get their degree, learn team concept, and go off into society and do the right thing. That's lead a family, learn to be a very quality father and husband and make a quality living for that group. I think our guys, they understand that. I think that's an important part of their development. I think it was in my case.
(It's) a thing that is inherent with how you were raised. To pretend that it’s deposited at a place and left — it is not. It is always carried with the people that are there. Period. End of discussion.
A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
That was the place where opponents' dreams come to die. It started early and it ended late. I recognize the great advantage that the team has in this stadium.
I don't know how it looks, to be honest, nor do I give a damn. I'll just tell you, at LSU we're going to have a great defense. We'll have a great defense and play like hell. So let me revisit this another time.
THE CABIN IN THE WOODS
I just want to remind everybody that it’s Columbus Day. That all those of you that know Italians and like Italians are the people that might venture on to a ship and travel to explore and find new lands, this is your day. It’s not St. Patty’s Day. That’s a different day entirely.
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
Just so you know I'm proud of those men, how f****in' easy it would have been to say it's (their) night. How f****in' easy. Excuse my language. A spectacular group of men. You go find ’em, you put your arms around them and you give them a big kiss on the mouth.
I'm not satisfied with this. We will look at the film and have a ton of corrections to make. It is great, it's our first game film to watch and we are going to go to work on it. I don't think the team is very satisfied either.