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OPEN THREAD: SECOND SHIFT

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MISERY IS ALL I CAN PRODUCE

Jamie Sabau/Getty Images

A special message from Purdue's mascot:

Specialization is one of the great hallmarks of modern society. It allows each of us to pick an area and develop true expertise, rather than muddle through life being mostly bad at everything. We can trust that our doctors know how to administer medicine and our bakers know how to make delicious cakes and pies, comfortable that neither needs to do the job of the other.

I have a role to play in this structure, though I am not a plumber or a washing machine repairman. My expertise is darker, though just as necessary. I make unhappiness.

Most of that unhappiness is given to Purdue fans, yes. But I try not to limit my distribution to one area, and that's why I'm happy with the work I put in today. Oh, Michigan State fans will say "a wins a win, who cares." But you have no idea how this narrow win will stick to you, Spartans, like sidewalk gum deep in the crevices of your boot soles. Every time you do something good, they'll say that you barely beat Purdue. Every time you struggle, well, what did you expect from the team that nearly lost to the Boilermakers? The misery stink is on you now, and it will not wash out for a while. This is the microwaved fish of victories.

Naturally, I also made sure Purdue didn't actually win. That's double the misery. Job well done, me.