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JOEY SALTWATER IS YOUR ONLY CHOICE, MIAMI. To be clear, State of the U has been doing these for a number of coaches, but we're happy pretending he's their choice if you are.

Get the man a boat to live on and a Ferrari and we are on board with this entire operation.

STATISTICS ARE LIES, WHO LIKES MATH ANYWAY, GO AWAY NERDS. OKAY sure you could believe the SEC East is scientifically verified trash, but where does that put you? In a math class for life, that's right. Why don't you trust your gut-brain, the one that says that every team except YOUR SEC East team is trash? The same gut-brain that told you to eat an entire Cook-Out hamburger you had in the fridge this morning at five a.m., even though you honestly weren't sure when you bought it, or how long it had been in the fridge? See, your gut-brain never lied to you or had a bad idea.

NORTH CAROLINA: POSSIBLY GOOD. They might be a team of quality, though the hell if we know thanks to a weak-ass schedule and lofty, bloated stats against said weak-ass schedule. They play Pitt tonight, a team that by the numbers looks mediocre and yet keeps winning. The Dantonio Protocol has broken contain and found its natural home in Pittsburgh; pray that it remains there. (It will, no one ever escapes Pittsburgh except for Todd Graham, and look at the sinful pit of iniquity he landed in-- Tempe, Arizona.)

NO REALLY WHAT NOW, NO ONE IN MINNESOTA KNOWS. The idea of no one knowing what happens next at Minnesota is perfectly valid, since two layers of the administration imploded in a sexual harassment scandal earlier this year and they just had Jerry Kills step down via health issues. The temptation would be to give Tracy Claeys and the rest of that staff the chance to keep Kill's template. That seems like the easiest thing to do, which is probably what Minnesota will do because new administrators tend to like easy choices and quick answers.

GARY CROWTON IS LIVING IN HIS NIECE'S BASEMENT. No really, the former Oregon and LSU offensive coordinator is living in his niece's basement in Corvallis. Coaching is glamorous.

MIKE LEACH THINKS TIME OF POSSESSION IS CRAP. Well, he would, but he does have a point.

ETC: No, we're certain the Confederate-themed bar didn't have a cocktail with a racist name. The bar that opened in 2003, somehow, without people pointing out HOLY SHIT HOW'D YOU EVEN CONSIDER OPENING THIS CONCEPT IN THE YEAR 2003, OR 1993, YOU INSANE CRACKER MORONS? ps. Go Dawgs.