THE CHALLENGES FACING MIAMI'S NEXT COACH

1. Recruiting. It's easy to assume that the only Power 5 program in South Florida will have its pick of the area's best talent, but Miami only snagged two of the top 30 prospects in the state last signing day - and Clemson got three. As schools outside of Florida continue to succeed in luring athletes to leave, whoever takes over at Miami will have a hard road ahead of him attempting to fence in all that local talent.

2. Facilities. To succeed with recruits, Miami will have to find the money to make sure no competing school can offer vastly superior practice and team facilities. Is that a bit of an arms race that could leave a smaller, private school like UM in a bad fiscal situation down the road? Yes, but the alternative isn't going to win you anything more than mid-tier bowl game.

3. The metaphorical ghost of Butch Davis. Whoever leads the Canes next has to simultaneously raise the team's success rate and manage expectations. There's a vocal portion of the fanbase that expects Miami to be a consistently top 5 team; that goal may not be realistic given how the sport has changed since Butch Davis's heyday. Hurricane Football can, and should, be better. But promising too much too early is a recipe for another coaching search on the horizon.

4. Fan engagement. Consider the passion that Miami fans put into getting Al Golden out as a potential positive. You only get that if people care about the program, and the right coach will find a way to harness that emotion. More importantly, the next UM coach has to make Miami football a thing the city takes pride in -- not just the university. The stadium location makes that a challenge, but not an insurmountable one.

5. The literal ghost of Butch Davis. That man you see on TV is a body double, and, if you get close enough, you'll see he's a fairly obvious one. The real Butch Davis was killed in an athletic dormitory when Kellen Winslow and Brock Berlin decided they wanted to make a grittier version of A Few Good Men. (Kiefer Sutherland reprised his role as Lt. Jonathan Kendrick in exchange for an Altoids canister full of Dilaudid.) Though the Wandering Spirit of Butch Davis is not particularly malicious, he will keep you up for hours talking shit about Tim Couch.

6. The golem Jimmy Johnson summoned in 1987. Man, he was drunk. Doesn't even recall trying to raise a giant clay-man that does his bidding, but there it is. Maybe he can be the strength coach? Just don't let him meet with the NCAA. Golem's gonna rip an investigator's patella out and get the program slapped with two years of probation.

7. Greg Schiano. He's already mapped out the air ducts and can turn any everyday object into a weapon. You don't want to see a man gored to death with a poster tube covered in golf pencils. If you hire him and it goes bad, you're gonna have to call SWAT. If you don't hire him, make sure he doesn't breach the equipment room.
(Equipment room alarm blares) Shit.