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WHICH STATES HAVE TERRIBLE CANDY PREFERENCES

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IF YOUR KIDS LOVE HERSHEY'S KISSES THEY ARE A LITTLE DEAD INSIDE

Alex Wong/Getty Images

A few observations:

1. Your personal favorite candy is of no interest to me. You want to eat nothing but plain M&Ms? That's fine. It's not my preference, but whatever.

2. THAT SAID, if this is a graphic of the most popular Halloween candy distributed to children who did nothing wrong and basically have no worldly possessions so this is kind of an important time for them, oh, man. Ohhhhhh man. I got some thoughts.

3. The following states are fine with me: Washington, Idaho, Montana, Alaska, Florida, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Illinois, Indiana, North Carolina, Virginia, Ohio, Maine, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Michigan, North Dakota, Arkansas, Iowa, Alabama, Kansas and Delaware. Keep it up.

4. TO THE CANDY CORN STATES (Texas, Oregon, Wyoming, Tennessee, and South Carolina): Candy corn is the most divisive confection and a child's earliest introduction to the concept of food arguing. Personally, I do not enjoy candy corn. I recognize that others very much do. But by making candy corn your most popular Halloween treat, you are contributing to food arguments. Do you think I want to care about what other people are eating or cooking? I don't. At all. The world forces me to take these sides, on avocado and tomato and what goes in chili and pizza styles and what goes on a hot dog. And it starts with two eight year olds getting candy corn, and one of them saying "ewwwwwww."

5. TO THE BANK MANAGER'S CANDY DISH STATES (California, Missouri, Nevada, and Mississippi): A child who gets excited for Life Savers, Jolly Ranchers or Hershey's Kisses is either a time traveler from the 19th century, a pure and wonderful innocent, or exceptionally boring. Given that time travel does not exist and the overwhelming odds against even a noticeable majority of your kids being wholly delightful creatures, you should have a discussion and figure out what you did to kill the dreams of so many youngsters.

6. TO THE PURE SUGAR RUSH STATES (Utah, New York, and Georgia): Utah and Georgia, I'm betting your children are deeply repressed and this is one of their few outlets. New York kids, are you selling unpackaged SweeTARTS to tourists as club drugs? Don't answer that. This isn't a privileged conversation.

7. TO ARIZONA: No child has ever eaten, much less asked for, Toblerone on Halloween. If I'd rung a doorbell as a child and been handed a small Toblerone, I would have presumed the homeowner was a white supremacist.

8. TO THE TAFFY DISTRIBUTORS (South Dakota and Wisconsin): Our nation's dentists and orthodontists thank you.

9. TO WEST VIRGINIA: I get that we're taking some liberties here -- Kit Kat has a crispy wafer in the middle of it, and nobody knows what the interior of a Butterfinger consists of -- but Oreos are not candy. Even if they are, I'm going to need proof that you aren't opening the door, extending an opened package, and letting kids grab a couple. Do better.

10. TO KENTUCKY: They misunderstood. You give out Burger King Whoppers, don't you.

11. TO THE 100 GRAND CLIQUE (Hawaii and Minnesota): Such a niche choice! I'm genuinely curious what makes 100 Grand so popular in your states, unless the answer is "it gives uncles an opportunity to trick their nephews and nieces into thinking they'll be receiving large amounts of currency."

12. AND, TO THE ALMOND JOY STATES (Maryland and Vermont): Fuck off.