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BRADY HOKE IS FULL OF BAD IDEAS AND IS NOT A GOOD COACH AND HERE IS AN EXTENDED WORLD WAR TWO METAPHOR TO PROVE IT

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I CALL THIS "MY DEGREE WAS WORTH SOMETHING"

BOO THIS MAN
BOO THIS MAN
Greg Bartram-USA TODAY Sports

In the winter of 1942, the German Sixth Army faced a small problem entitled "perhaps invading Russia in late summer was a poor idea." After seizing 90 percent of the city of Stalingrad (which Hitler wanted mostly because it was named after Stalin, with whom Hitler was NOT THRILLED), the German army was completely surrounded by Russian troops and lacked basic supplies and ammunitions.

Hitler had a decision to make: either Von Paulus' troops could attempt to break out of the encirclement, or they could be left to hold out - and maintain control of the city - until relief could arrive. While making this decision, Hitler was with Hermann Goering, head of the German Air Force and noted weirdo. And Goering had an idea, which was a bad one: supply the Sixth Army through the air with an "air bridge."

This was an outstandingly bad idea that required the German Air Force (already stretched to capacity) to fly over Soviet troops and drop supplies. This would have been a bad idea, even if they had been dropping supplies and not, say, condoms. Or pepper. Or summer clothing. Or wine. It was a bad idea, everyone knew it was a bad idea, and yet the one person in charge - one Adolf Hitler - was like, "well, sure" because Adolf Hitler was, in many respects, a doofus.

But bad ideas happen to us all. Some of us develop moronic military strategies that won't possibly work. Some of us, say, catch a bad snap, and think we can still punt it, and oh ho ho we cannot, we most certainly cannot. And some of us wander past a car wreck caused by a crossing raccoon and say things like, "well see I wouldn't have driven into the guard rail, I would have careened wildly off the road, which would have definitely led to not an accident."

This is what Brady Hoke is doing.*

Brady Hoke, noted for gently steering the Michigan football program into a small ditch, has ideas on how Michigan could have avoided the Event That Took Place Last Saturday, and his ideas are...they are bad.

Hoke first credited the MSU defense for forcing fourth down and said he would have gone for it at that point, handing the ball to De'Veon Smith and "challenge your offensive line" or play-action pass to take four to five seconds off the clock.

Let's clear this up right here: the only good idea here would be for Blake to have fallen on the ball. That's it, and even that's not a great idea because giving Connor Cook a.) the ball and b.) ten seconds to wander around and do something is bad. Ten seconds in football is roughly a thousand years, and ten seconds with a good quarterback is roughly a thousand years plus or minus a century.

But Brady Hoke has even worse ideas, like "play action on fourth down" or "let's run the ball on fourth down, because as anyone can tell you, I have succeeded in running the ball against Big Ten opponents."

We are all allowed to have bad ideas. But perhaps the person having multiple bad ideas leading to either military catastrophe or some of the stupidest college football games I have ever had the displeasure to observe should not be rewarded for doing so. Like with power, or with a Power 5 job.

Brady Hoke: I think the general scope would be hopefully be in a Power 5 conference. I think that would be ideal. The one thing I want to say is that Rich Rodriguez is a good football coach. He didn't forget football when he went to Michigan. And obviously he hasn't forgotten it when he left. I haven't forgotten how to coach. You look at a guy like David Cutcliffe (at Duke), I have a lot of respect for him. He's at a place he wants to be at.

Oh, Brady, no. No no no no no. No. No. No. You are not David Cutcliffe, who is an excellent football coach. You are not Rich Rodriguez, who is a good football coach who should have never been at Michigan, because the head football coach at Michigan doing the Nae Nae would lead to a federal court order.

Brady Hoke, you are a good defensive line coach, a good recruiter, and you could not make a time-sensitive decision if a microwaved burrito depended on it. You see a bad punt, and think, "a play action pass in our own end of the field with a shaky QB would be better!" You see a problem, and think, "I should probably set it on fire and put it on my head." You see an army in distress, and would air drop it condoms.

Brady Hoke is not a bad person. Brady Hoke is a person who only now understands the usefulness of headsets because he has to use them for his radio show, which I imagine is entitled "Well, Mistakes Were Made." Brady Hoke is someone who put a concussed quarterback back into a game and nearly killed poor damn Devin Gardner. There is a chance, however improbable, that Brady Hoke might just be kind of a moron.

Do not hire Brady Hoke. Do not force Brady Hoke to make big decisions. Let him wander free, free in the fields of his own imagination, where you go for it when you shouldn't and take timeouts when you shouldn't and put ten men on the field in a kickoff and nothing bad ever happens because of it.  Let him exist in a world where two plus two equals, well, you gotta just keep on tryin' to run the ball there. Let him be.

Far away from me.

* I am not comparing Brady Hoke to Nazis. That would be stupid. Like, not punting on that fourth down stupid.