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ACCLAB

UNDERNEATH THE WAAAAATER

By Spencer Hall
RVR Photos-USA TODAY Sports

Tropical Storm Joaquin is en route to the lower Eastern Seaboard. Here is your forecast, including large bright and very bad yellow patches over Clemson, South Carolina.

You will need to adapt to a post-terrestrial world, Clemson and Notre Dame fans. Fortunately, there is a model for this already. Follow it. Use it. Know it, learn it, and you will not only survive. You will thrive.

Never go outside the ACCLab alone. Take others with you. Captain Kelly will ask you to steal cable television for him. Do not do this! Captain Kelly frequently makes demands that endanger his subordinates. This got a little too close to real life, let's keep going.

Warning! Captain Kelly will deny he is part of ACCLab! This is part of Captain Kelly's repertoire of non-sequiturs and seemingly delusional statements designed to keep others off balance, and wary of his violent, unpredictable behavior. He will claim other outrageous things, like that Notre Dame's schedule matches up to Clemson's. There's not a Wofford or an Appalachian State to be found on it. This is clearly the ranting of a deluded man with too much power and authority.

Don't go to Pod Six. They are jerks, and constantly exploding.

Dabo "Stormy" Sweeney is a blithe, likable spirit on ACCLab. Do not follow him on his "Missions." He has cheated death and prospered for years in the ACCLab despite walking facefirst into some of the worst industrial accidents ACCLab has ever seen. He survives each one and only becomes stronger in their wake, and no one, absolutely no one, has any idea how he does it. Underestimate him at your own risk.

Old Man Beamer lives in the vents. Don't feed him, ever! At night he dances jigs in the air ducts. You'll grow used to the noise soon enough, like summer rain on a tin roof when you're trying to sleep. A warning: he will punt any object you give him as far as he can, and then immediately flee to the safety of the nearest vent. ACCLab has been trying to catch him for decades; all efforts have resulted in failure.

Dolphin Boy can only make three noises, and might secretly be the smartest person in ACCLab, but we'll never know. He only makes three noises, and doesn't seem to care whether you understand them or not.

Also, everyone loves Chopper Dave Doeren.