THIS ISN'T HOW YOU RIVALRY, UCLA

UCLA's on top of the USC rivalry right now for one really simple reason - they've beaten the Trojans the last three times they've played, and even after Stanford put the Bruins on Craigslist last night (CURB ALERT FREE FOOTBALL TEAM ~~~VERY BADLY BEATEN~~~ MIGHT HAVE TERMITES), you'd probably pick them to win that game this season.

But, damn, UCLA, this is not how you're supposed to do it. Since you hired Jim Mora, your local enemy has fired its coach in the middle of the year on two separate occasions, gone 29-16, and might hire Norm Chow.* USC is laying on the floor of the garage, blood seeping from its gut, begging you to kill it. You keep slipping in the viscera and breaking your shoulder.

And this happens every season. USC does something embarrassing like losing at home to a Washington team with a salad shooter playing quarterback. UCLA, rather than basking in the failings of the Trojans, immediately turns around and shows its own ass. Some might argue that Jim Mora's tenure can't be considered a success because he's yet to get UCLA to November without two losses. But I say this is the real problem. He's denying Bruins fans the opportunity to enjoy some of USC's dumbest years. Observe:

2012

September 15: #2 USC goes on the road to #21 Stanford and loses 21-14. The Trojans average less than a yard per carry and Matt Barkley throws two picks and no touchdowns, finishing his career 0-4 against the Cardinal.

September 19: #19 UCLA loses at home to unranked Oregon State, 27-20.

2013

October 19: Tommy Rees ends Notre Dame's five game home losing streak to USC in a dreary 14-10 win where neither team scores in the second half and the Trojans don't convert a single third down after their first drive.

October 26: #12 UCLA and #2 Oregon get to the half tied 14-14. The Ducks score 28 points in the last two quarters. The Bruins score zero.

2014

October 4, 7:30 PM kickoff: #18 USC loses to Arizona State on what might be the most poorly defended Hail Mary in the history of the sport.

October 4, 10:30 PM kickoff: Utah - who's just lost to Washington State - drives 63 yards with their backup QB to kick a game-winning field goal and beat #8 UCLA.

*To those who say USC won't hire Norm Chow: you don't know. You really don't.