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WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT AUBURN

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LOOK AT THE PUNT. NOW IGNORE THE PUNT. THERE IS NO PUNT.

Shanna Lockwood-USA TODAY Sports

Punting. Sure, it's healthy and nutritious, but sometimes, you really can have too much. It's rare that you see someone overindulge on flipping field position and just playin' it safe, but when it happens, it's a spectacular disaster.

I mean, Auburn, look at this. Kentucky had seven damn players near the line of scrimmage, and none of them knew what the hell was going on. This is a layup, and you idiots didn't even bother adjusting.

kentucky

I think part of my shock at this boobery is that this is coming from a Gus Malzahn team. "Conservative" isn't a word I'd use to describe his football decision making, but this is the type of nonsense that would make Kirk Ferentz turn up his nose and sneer. I mean, you had three more players than the other team, four more when you consider how far back the returner was in comparison to the line. All you needed was one yard. Just have one of the up men take the snap and like, stumble forward.

Let's step back a little bit. I'm not an Auburn fan. In fact, I don't particularly like Auburn. But they've reached a point with me where it feels deeply strange if they're not either incredible or complete dreck. They're already better than their 2012 team that went winless in the SEC, but I don't really know who this team is anymore, and I don't like that. Before, you could count on Auburn for a really cool explosion. Sometimes they'd get caught in it, but it was still pretty badass.

The stats bear me out here, too. Auburn's 91st in the country in scoring offense at 25.5 per game. They're 74th in yards per rushing attempt (4.22) after being 12th and 4th the past two years. Sean White has started three games and has still yet to throw a touchdown pass. Like, what the hell is going on?

So look, you guys either have to win out or lose out. I think I know which one is more likely, but I've written both of those outcomes in a scraps of paper and mixed them up in this hat, so please come over and pick one, Gus. If the team needs to take a couple weeks up at the cabin to sort some stuff out, that's fine, that's why Grandpa bought the place. But this middle of the road act has got to stop, if only for my mental wellbeing. Several teams act as structural supports in my college football mindspace, and Auburn scraping out a win over Kentucky in a game that resembled one of those Thursday ACC games we all just love to make fun of, that's not where you're supposed to be.