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JIM HARBAUGH, YOU NEED TO PROVE YOUR COMMITMENT TO MICHIGAN

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1.) BEAT MICHIGAN STATE. 2.) TATTOO THE FACE OF MICHIGAN RADIO ANNOUNCER JIM BRANDSTATTER ONTO YOUR OWN FACE.

Jim, I just have a small tattoo-related favor to ask you.
Jim, I just have a small tattoo-related favor to ask you.
Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Jim! Jim. It's me! I'm back!

Jim, now calm down, the restraining order didn't say anything about your office. You really should have thought about that ahead of time.

Besides, this is a friendly visit, as I am very, very happy.

So happy, Jim. So happy with you, and us, and everything we've done so far together.

5-1, Jim! Three straight shutouts, Jim! You and Durkin are the best combination of MC and DJ since Eric B. and Rakim. It's just delightful to observe. I am so, so, so happy.

So happy, Jim.

And yet I am bothered by something.

It's a small thing, Jim.

Real small.

So easy for you to fix.

See, we have been getting a lot of attention!

But some people are saying things that make me sad, Jim.

Like, when people say that you might still be interested in the NFL, or that more teams should have gone after you, even when John U. Bacon totally cleared that up and everyone should read his book in fact why isn't it assigned national reading READ THE BOOK PEOPLE JUST READ ENDZONE IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING IT IS THE ALPHA AND OMEGA IT IS OUR BEGINNING IT IS THE WAY AND THE TRUTH AND THE LIGHT JUST READ IT GODDAMMIT.

And then others...

Others, Jim, are sinners. Sinners who speak against us, and our movement, and stop moving for the door, Jim, it's locked from the outside.

Sinners like Dan Rubenstein, who said that you might get "bored" facing competition like historic power Rutgers and noted football team Maryland. Sinners like Dan Rubenstein who have never walked the hallowed halls of Schembechler, or wept from the glory of a third-and-three pass breakup against a Big Ten team just idling until basketball season, sinners who lack the respect for God's Own Conference because they are Oregon fans and probably into balloons or something.

We cannot tolerate such dissension, Jim, because we love you, so we yelled at Dan Rubenstein on the internet, and will be very very rude to him when he orders a yogurt parfait at Espresso Royale when he comes to Ann Arbor because OF COURSE HE WILL, JUST LOOK AT HIM. JUST NOTHING BUT TACOS AND YOGURT.

Jim, I am sad now.

I do not like being sad.

Sadness is how I found my way into your home last December, and I just know that our conversation helped lead you back home.

And now, I need you to do something else for me, something to help make me happy again.

Jim, I need you to beat Michigan State. I need you to beat Michigan State in a manner that would imply that Michigan State said something untoward to your wife. I need you to beat Michigan State by numbers our numerical system has no concept of. I need you to beat Michigan State.

And I need you to tattoo the face of Michigan radio announcer Jim Brandstatter onto your own face.

Jim on the left, and ho-ho-ho Dan Dierdorf on the right.

Jim on the left, and ho-ho-ho Dan Dierdorf on the right.

Now, hear me out, Jim Harbaugh.

Jim, I love Michigan. Love it. My blood cells are 30 percent BTB guacamole and 70 percent smug. I am deeply in love with the University of Michigan, down to those weirdo apartments on South Forest where nothing illegal happened that you or anyone can prove in a court of law. I operate best in 45 degree temperatures and hate excessive positivity. I love Michigan, and I know you do too.

But Jim Brandstatter loves Michigan more than us. More than anyone.

Just look at him. Look at how happy he is. Look how much he believes in Michigan. Offense isn't working? Why, that's just a sign that these boys are still learning. Defense gives up a big play? Just goes to show you how good our opposition is! Like you, he played for Bo, and he loves Bo, and he might visit Bo's grave like, once a week just to have some time to himself. I am unsure as to whether or not he has ever left the state of Michigan. He is the homeriest homer to ever homer, Jim.

And you need to tattoo Jim Brandstatter's face onto your face.

It would send such a message of support and belief, Jim, for you to tattoo Jim Brandstatter's face onto yours. It'd say, NFL teams, just stay away, because now Jim Harbaugh has Jim Brandstatter's face tattooed on his face, and he's a real Michigan Man now, and he'll never ever ever ever ever leave us. You can't get bored if you have Jim Brandstatter's face tattooed on your face. Think how sad Dan Rubenstein would be to be so wrong. Think about how sad our opposition would be that you will never, ever leave Michigan. Think about how happy this would make me.

This is all you have to do, Jim. Beat Michigan State like their forces were a mile outside of Moscow, and tattoo the face of Michigan radio announcer Jim Brandstatter onto your own face. Then, I'll be happy.

Well, until November. But we can talk more then.