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THE CURIOUS INDEX THINKS OKLAHOMA IS A PAPER TIGER

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UNABLE TO WITHSTAND THE WIND OR RAIN OR ANY SEMBLANCE OF A RUNNING GAME

NEVER PLAY THREE ON THREE WITH BERT. Lost in the total goddamn chaos that was the beginning of this week: Bret Bielema continues to do extremely Bret Bielema things, like drawing penalties from Alabama players and celebrating like he won $200 playing a Van Halen-themed slot machine. I look forward to seeing how he goes over with Miami Dolphins fans.

COW TSE-TUNG. It's sad that BEVO XIV has been forced into early retirement due to illness, but it does give me the opportunity to propose a different naming system for the Texas mascot: Cow Tse-Tung. You can even have a student dress up like Richard Nixon and take pictures with Chairman Cow. Just think about it, that's all.

THE UNSINKABLE KYLE FLOOD. Rutgers has its head coach back and he wants you to know that everything's fine, everything's totally fine, and he only did that obviously shady thing that he said was shady while he was doing it because he cares. If you misinterpreted his motives, well, maybe you're the shady one. Reminder: three FBS coaches got fired WHILE KYLE FLOOD WAS ON SUSPENSION. Rutgers plays at Indiana this Saturday, and the outcome will have no effect on Kyle Flood's job, because Kyle Flood is the shingles of coaches.

THE EQUALLY UNSINKABLE GEORGE O'LEARY. Congrats to O'Leary on his four months as interim athletic director at UCF. Now he can focus his energies on what really matters: completing the third winless season in program history. (One of the other two came under, well, you guessed it, George O'Leary.) It's really a shame how George O'Leary took the good work George O'Leary did from 2012 to 2014 and ruined it. George O'Leary thinks you should go get that George O'Leary, if he's still available.

A PROGRAMMING NOTE. Shutdown Fullcast will be up tomorrow instead of today due to Fearless Leader's travel difficulties. He demands on deadlifting every piece of luggage before it's loaded on the plane. I know, it's weird, but we all have our superstitions.