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There's a lot of reasons people think performance enhancing drugs are bad. There are possible health risks. They are illegal. Their uneven application and effect can affect the overall quality and fairness of competition at all levels. There's even an argument that PEDs can cause, rather than prevent, muscular injury in athletes. These are all fair arguments against their use, if that was where you decided to land on the issue of PED use.

In response, we would like to suggest one important counter-argument: what if they were like, good and not illegal?

Just hear us out. What if they were like, okay? And good? Like, what if instead of testing for them, the NCAA just let that shit slide, and was cool. They're awful anyway. Just be cool, and try PEDs for yourself, NCAA. You'd all quit and open gyms and discover the glory of the endless pump. Then the NCAA would close, and we could use that big, useless building in Indianapolis for something the people of Indiana something they could really use, like a Laser Tag facility or indoor water park.

Don't you want a water park or laser tag arena, Indiana? Be cool about PEDs.

But they're baaaaaaad, you say repeating all the counterarguments. Well sure, those are persuasive, and we can't rebut them factually. But have you considered this? Have you?


Do you see Kelsey Grammer worrying about anything like PEDS? Hell no he's not. He's wearing a pair of well-tailored swim trunks to the beach. He's carrying a drink in a coconut and letting his thick-torsoed self just chilllllll. Hey, PEDS are bad, Kelsey! Can't hear you, too busy living my best life and chillin'.

These are all valid points we have! Yes, they are, and Kelsey's gonna listen to all of them while throwing babies around in the ocean like he's Poseidon, the ocean nanny who teaches your children the enchantments of the sea while you're at work. But but but but--- yes, Mr. Data and Laws person, that's one way to do things, and it's a good one. Rules and laws are super important, and we have no way to rebut that.

Well, maybe we have one rebuttal. The only one we need, man.


That's right. It's gonna be oooooooookay, buttercup. You could punish Will Grier for doing PEDs, sure, but oh-- what's that you hear? Those tossed salad and scrambled eggs? They're callin' again. From the beach, man.