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Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

(Jim Harbaugh steps to microphone)

First off, I just wanna thank the assistants and trainers. They did a great job getting this team ready for Saturday, so give a heck of a lot of credit to them for the win today. I'd also like to point out how big our senior leadership was this week in practice. Those guys care about succeeding as a team, and that's what's carrying us through right now. Couldn't be more proud.

Many of you have asked me about the rumors that Michigan Football has accepted a federal appointment to guard the U.S. border. I can tell you today that yes, those rumors are true.

(reporters start shouting questions)

Settle down! The logistics will all be spelled out for you later, but the main point is this. We shut out BYU. We shut out Maryland. We shut out Northwestern. And now we're going to shut out any and all who try to cross our border.

(reporter shouts something about discrimination against Hispanic populations)

Let me be clear: I did not sign this team up to guard a border. That'd be like only defending your end zone in the first and third quarters. We're locking America down from all angles. Don't even try it, Sault Ste. Marie. We'll sack your asses for a nine yard loss, or whatever it converts to in Canadian. Seaports? Closed. Airports? Don't call your company United and ask to fly to Britain, you goddamn traitors.

(reporter asks about Americans traveling abroad)

Look, buddy, I'm gonna treat it like transfers. You wanna leave, that's fine. But you're not coming back to this 50 state roster. That's all I've got to say for now. Thank you all for coming, and cancel your vacations to France now. Or tell the government to let us annex them. I'm up for the challenge.