SHOULD MIAMI KEEP AL GOLDEN OR HIRE THE BEAR THAT EATS KAYAKS?

AL GOLDEN HAS EARNED MORE TIME by Ryan Nanni

Losing to Cincinnati because you only scored three points in the second half is bad, and it is not what Al Golden needed in these times of fan discontent. It'd be foolish to let one bad result decide the man's fate without stepping back and looking at the big picture, a big picture I think demonstrates that Golden deserves a little more time.

Admittedly, the rebuilding process at Miami has taken longer than either Al Golden or most fans would have preferred, but let's remember that Golden inherited a program that a) immediately came under massive scrutiny for alleged NCAA violations, b) lost eight players to the Draft (only USC and North Carolina had more players taken), and c) was coming off consecutive home defeats at the hands of Frank Beamer and Skip Holtz. The fact that Golden kept things stable enough to avoid a losing season in the two years following is weirdly impressive.

2014 was a step back, sure, but Golden was breaking in a true freshman quarterback in Brad Kaaya and had a non-conference schedule that included three eventual bowl teams. There are other trouble signs, most notably that Golden's 3-9 against ranked teams and .500 in ACC play. But there are also signs of improvement, like Kaaya, a very stingy pass defense, and very steady recruiting classes.

Look, he kind of looks like an idiot in his billowy white dress shirt and orange tie, like a bank manager who decided "fuck it, I'll just pick the one thing and make sure I can wear that for the next 25 years." (We sympathize with his permanently sweaty forehead, as that is a struggle we live with every day no matter how cold it is outside.) But Al Golden's done a pretty good job keeping Miami afloat despite the rest of the ACC improving markedly since his hire, and he hasn't caused Miami any major embarrassment. Consider recent seasons at Florida, Michigan, USC, and Texas - who Miami fans will tell you should be the program's peers - and tell me that doesn't count for something.

A KAYAK-DEVOURING BEAR IS JUST WHAT MIAMI NEEDS by Spencer Hall

I know Miami has options. It's still a potential power, if only for its proximity to one of the nation's richest veins of recruiting ore. That alone would be enough to suggest Miami could still matter in the landscape of modern college football, and therefore be good enough to still pull a quality name to coach the Hurricanes football program.

That name that Miami needs: A Kayak-Devouring Bear.

Oh that's not his name, but consider all the things he has that the current management in Miami doesn't. He's hungry, at least on a literal level. He might not be able to be hungry on a figurative level, but be honest and ask yourself how many college football coaches can think on a figurative level. Toss out defensive coordinators to make the sample size a little less depressing if you want. We'll wait while the sorrow washes over you.

He's the embodiment of toughness. Watch him take multiple shots of pepper spray to the face, and consider how taking multiple shots of pepper spray to the face was pretty standard fare for many of the Miami greats treasured by Hurricane fans to this day. A bear would run a jetski into the side of a yacht and walk away without a scratch just like Jeremy Shockey did. It might do one better and eat the jetski, too, just to show you motherfuckers that The U doesn't tolerate disrespect from anything, even delightful, mindless high-powered watercraft.

The bear can recruit. While other coaches wait politely through recruiting holidays and blackout no-contact periods, the bear just doesn't care. He'll break into your house and take what he wants: a wide receiver, a defensive back, a lineman, whatever The U needs. He's also gonna break open your fridge and eat the eggs right out of the carton. He'll break each one open and lick them individually, and it'll take forever, but that's exactly the kind of behavior Jimmy Johnson used to show recruits' families that he meant business.

The bear might also drink every beer you have in the house and poop on the floor on the way out just to let you know what's up. Again: just like Jimmy Johnson used to do, and sometimes still does.