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THE CURIOUS INDEX, 1/7/2015

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BRUTUS IS FORCE CHOKING YOU AS HARD AS HE CAN

Greg Bartram-USA TODAY Sports

AND THAT'S HOW THE OHIO STATE JEDI ORDER WORKS.

Watch out for that Rule of Two, though. It's a bitch and oh god this explains the Braxton Miller/JT Barrett/Cardale injury cycle doesn't it --

[/force choked by Urban Meyer, who is more machine than man at this point]

OR YOU COULD JUST PAY THEM. Travel assistance is nice, though it is definitely not payment for services, which would be the easier way to do things instead of the ever-expanding and nonsensical series of chits, allotments, and company store coupons doled out to cover the expenses athletes incur in the course of the jobs they do as college football players.

NEVER MIND WHOSE TROPHY IT IS. The Heisman Trophy stolen from USC's trophy case in 1994 has been found, and returned to the university.

IN RECRUITING NEVER TELL THE TRUTH, EPISODE 458,093. South Carolina's recruiting class continues to hemorrhage recruits following Steve Spurrier saying the truth publicly, i.e. that he'll probably only be at Carolina for a few more years. Never, ever, ever say an accurate thing during recruiting. (To be fair: This goes for prospects, too.)

LIKE THEY'D RECOGNIZE YOUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT. "Win the Day" is a registered trademark of the Oregon athletic department, something they have to show Ole Miss fans every now and then because Hugh Freeze created everything on the first day, and on the sixth lost by 39 to TCU.

FAREWELL, BRAWLY BEAR. Gerald Willis is off the Gators after "yet another altercation". We wish him luck, though his legacy at Florida is a good one: he liked to fight, and fight, and fight and fight and fight. Fight fight fight; fight fight fight.

"A DICK MOVE." Stephen White says stop that shit, Bill Snyder, it's Schiano-level bullshit.

ETC: Obscure quarterback makes media announcement.