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AN EXTREMELY SUPERFICIAL REVIEW OF NEW HIRE JIM MCELWAIN

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AND NOW WE JUDGE HIS COACHNESS BY THE SHALLOWEST MEASURES IMAGINABLE

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Accent: An SEC coach needs an accent, and McElwain has one. It's not a Southern accent of any sort, which is a minor crime, but he does have a Westerner's roll to the way he says things. Like, it's not something you can hear saying SHITFIRE I GOT TO SEE THAT DONKEY KICK, but it's definitely an accent you can hear speaking comfortably about horses, cars, and and firearms. PASS.

Name: This is an automated test like a Captcha to see if you have hired any of the following:

  • Skip Holtz
  • Houston Nutt
  • Derek Dooley
  • Josh McDaniels
  • Lane Kiffin
  • Dick Jauron
  • Dennis Erickson
  • Billy Donovan

In case this had to be verified

McElwainCaptcha

You think a major program like Florida wouldn't have to verify a hire via Captcha, but if you doubt it then you clearly haven't watched the last half-decade of Florida football. Enter the name, Jeremy. The computer can see if you're lying, or if you accidentally hired McElwain when Siri misunderstood your request for the nearest Quiche Lorraine. (If this is what happened, that's fine because it might work out. Embrace life's accidents, we say.) PASS

Teeth: Big, capped magnificence. Those are flawless football teeth right there, the kind most Americans save for the cynical coastal elites believe in wholeheartedly as an indicator of great integrity and confidence. Could a great white shark sell cars effectively in Topeka, were he to just smile? Damn right he could, and if he coached on the Saban staff he'd fit right in because all Saban staffers know that recruiting is just like selling a car. You need to make sure you have teeth, make the person buy into the product you're selling, and that in four years when the warranty runs out you'll be so deeply un-liable for anything that happened to that car in the interim. PASS.

Hair:

Let's not mince words you do not hire a coach for his hair and that's a good thing for McElwain because his hair is very, very, very bad. It is Jim Bob Duggar bad. It actually looks exactly like Jim Bob Duggar's hair, as a thousand people on the internet have already pointed out. We'd argue that any indication of your coach cutting corners in his life in order to focus on more football represents a positive indicator about your program, like when Jim Harbaugh pays ten bucks for pants or Nick Saban eats the same thing for lunch every day. You want your coach using a Flowbee or letting a goat chew on his hair instead of paying for lengthy salon visits, because there was only one man who could exude excellence while sitting in a barber's chair and that man has been dead since 2006.

Also, Jim Bob Duggar has a thousand children, and none of them are as orphaned as the Florida offense since the year 2009. So like, how's that supposed to be bad, hater?  PASS

Hand gestures:

He's got Process-Hands, so clearly a Saban acolyte. NO GRADE AWARDED PENDING SABAN COACHING TREE AND ITS DEEPLY MIXED RESULTS, PARTICULARLY WHEN IT COMES TO FLORIDA FOOTBALL

Khakis: Almost always wrinkled as shit in the upper thigh/crotch reason, the sign of a man who took the time to iron the pant legs but "can't figure how to get the rest on the dang ironing board." Pleat level seems to have come down drastically from his Colorado State wardrobe. You could lose a sandwich in those fabric folds, dude. PASS

Windbreaker: Check. He joins Bill Snyder, Mark Dantonio, and Nick Saban in the windbreaker club, coaches all united by their desire to just put something publicly presentable on and get out the door and onto the practice field. Bill Snyders are made of oilcloth he pulled off corpses at Shiloh, but you don't get coordinating experience any other way but to just go and do it. Grant ran a hell of a Wing-T. PASS