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Danny Wild-USA TODAY Sports

PINKELCOPTER. We trust Mizzou with a helicopter, since they're a fairly competent school in most areas even if their journalism school's core curriculum is easily 50% reminding people that Mizzou has a journalism school. "Reminding Others Mizzou Has A Journalism School 1001 ain't bad, but "Continuing to Remind Others That Mizzou Has a Good Journalism School 2002" has ended many aspiring journalists' careers. A fucking bear, that class.

Some schools should absolutely not have a helicopter for any reason, however. Florida State would loan theirs out to the Tallahassee PD for operations, and no one wants to pay the kind of damages you'd have to pay when Jimbo Fisher puts a hunting arrow through the window of Potbelly's on a failed extraction of his quarterback from a bar fight. His ACC peer Paul Johnson would just use that thing Da Vinci rigged up, claiming no need for anything more advanced. He'd win somewhere between seven and ten games a year with it, too, because it's just like his offense: good enough for the fifteenth century, and good enough for Paul Johnson.

Alabama's is rigged for parachutes, since those extra recruits on the roster aren't going to drop themselves into North Alabama by themselves. Auburn's is the same, but has an autopilot that only goes to Athens, Georgia.

Ohio State really needs a Chinook: a thousand interchangeable parts, and it doesn't matter which one of them fails because that thing is still airborne and rolling. Oklahoma would be the one with Mike Stoops randomly slapping at the pedals while Bob Stoops screams at him to stop; Art Briles and Baylor's helicopter would be the fastest in the state of Texas, mostly because Art took the skids and landing gear off to maximize speed. They also share one landing pad with TCU, and are going to get there at exactly the same time with disastrous results. (TCU's is a purple cropduster that sprays the fields with horned frog blood. This may be a real thing Gary Patterson has, for all we know.)

Florida's would be easy to find: it's the one that hasn't been off the ground since 2012. Good morning!