clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:



Q: Is this actually just a fighting pit that George O'Leary had designated as international territory like the UN to avoid criminal sanctions?

A: That's absurd. This is just a fun place for fans to enjoy the s-KNIFE FIGHT GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL

Q: Is there sand? That looks like painted concrete, which would be hot, and just make you hate everything and the decisions that led you to this point in life?

A: Like most of Florida, it will be poured concrete. It will reflect an authentic Florida experience because it is paved, will be 120 degrees minimum in direct sunlight, and will immediately nurture a fine film of green mildewy mold no amount of bleach or pressure watching will kill. Its very color will scream "HUMANS SHOULD NOT BE HERE," and its feel beneath the soles of your feet will send hate through the soles of your shoes and into the bones of your legs. We believe this to be a truly authentic slice of the representative Florida experience.

Q: How much are tickets for this area?

A: Isn't a ticket just a fancy word for renting a seat? And why rent when you can buy! For a one time purchase fee of $28,000 (plus a small annual maintenance charge of $1,750), you'll own the opportunity to spend one week a year* enjoying our beachside area all to yourself! *Subject to availability; new members restricted to stays beginning on Wednesdays in July. You must attend and be stripped naked at our 18 hour workshop to be approved.

Q: Won't that shiny statue of the UCF mascot get astonishingly bright and dangerously hot in the face-melting sun of a day game in Florida?

A: As with our football coach George O'Leary, the statue will bear a sign informing children not to touch it at risk of injury. (Also, the statue will be "stolen" two days after it is appraised at an absurdly high value. Be cool and we'll give you a piece of the insurance money.)

Q: Wait, why did I just see three nude Daunte Culpeppers staggering into the parking lot?

A: That's not right. The regeneration process isn't supposed to be complete until 2017. Somebody call the containment team. AND YOU NEVER SAW ANY OF THIS.

Q: Why is this a beach when Orlando has no coastline and no beaches?

A: Why does Miami have "attendance?" The spirit is what matters for fans, and that's why we believe "every days' a beach" when you're a UCF Knight.

Q: Isn't that apostrophe misplaced in "every days' a beach"?

A: Don't think so.

Q: Pretty sure it is.

A: Agree to disagree.

Q: What mixed drinks will be available?

A: The Dark 'n Stormy Johnson; a series of Blake Bortles and James Wine Coolers; the Brandon Marshallada; the Shaqiri, served in surplus Reebok Shaq Attaq Pump Orlando Magic edition shoe; the Long Island Iced Tea, which George O'Leary invented; the Matt Praterinha; the Toshmopolitan; An Orlando Jack and Coke, where you get high and solicit a handjob at a miniature golf course.

Q: Will there be water available?

A: Water will not be available.