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WAKE AND UNC SMASH SPACE AND TIME

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ACC WORMHOLE!

Jamie Rhodes-USA TODAY Sports

You may read this news and laugh. Two conference teams schedule a non-conference home and home? And two not very good ACC teams at that? What a ridiculous sports thing! But hold that thought and consider the ramification for not just our world, or solar system, or galaxy. This has implications on a universal level:

1. How did UNC and Wake manage to twist the laws of reality and render the difference between conference and non-conference - a distinction upon which so much of our football science is based - a nullity? The power to alter space-time in this matter is not possessed by any laboratory or secret research project. But the answer was in front of us the whole time: Larry Fedora's Dark Matter Abs. What you thought were beach muscles actually have the ability to crunch the fabric of our universe onto itself. (He can also change the tides on tricep day.)

2. Larry Fedora's Dark Matter Abs create a passageway between two different parts of space-time, though it is not without consequence. For a brief moment, the tunnel connecting those points becomes the most demented place conceivable, where reality has no meaning and madness is sanity. Those inexperienced in ACC would likely suffer a painful and anguished death: the Deaconing.

3. Survival may be the worse alternative, however. Emerging on the other end of the wormhole, you would find the natural world completely changed. As Atlanticium and Coastalide levels rise exponentially, the universe struggles to adjust to the imbalance and begins spontaneously generating Independence Bowls under a theorem known as the Shreveport Redundancy. Because this is just a model, there is no way of knowing when - or if - we would reach enough Independence Bowls. It is entirely possible the limit does not exist.